Life at 29... +2

There's something about my birthday which makes me motivated to do ALL OF THE THINGS. Like updating my blog, changing how I subscribe to my favorite blogs, and completely redoing my Facebook page. Maybe the thought of getting older makes feel as though I need to be productive and show "YES! I am doing things with my life!"

Who knows? But, here I am, exactly a month after my last blog post, I'm writing again. Which is better than the several months or even a year between blog posts. Progress!

As I was catching up on bloggers I used to follow almost religiously but have fallen by the wayside, I decided that if I do want to blog again, I should maybe give you an update on my life. 

My most recent selfie, taken a couple of days ago when I went to go see The King and I. 

Honestly? My life doesn't look a whole lot different than it did when I blogged regularly. 

I'm still working the front desk at a hotel. I different hotel now, I switched in April, but it's the same corporation and position, just a different location. This one is closer to home and the commute is infinitely better. 

I'm also still living with my parents - which I honestly don't mind. We're helping each other out, and I like that I can be so close to them, and my sister and brother-in-law come by all of the time. It also doesn't hurt that my dog, Bandit, always has someone to keep him company.

Yes, Bandit is still doing well and is as awesome as ever. He's even starting to get along with the cat, Peanut.

Speaking of family - my sister and her husband are expecting their first child! This is the biggest news in my family's life, and we're ridiculously excited. They are finding out the gender today (it's a girl!) and we can't wait. Life has been filled with baby shower planning, visits to Babies R Us, and searching Etsy for the cutest clothes.

I'm still reading an obscene amount of books. I had created a goal to actually read less this year because I wanted more balance to my life so I could spend time with family and friends and work on other things. Since I am currently on my 54th book of the year... I'm not sure how successful I've been in this goal. 

I've been attempting online dating - and it hasn't gone well and recently deleted one of the apps and have felt like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I might do a blog or vlog series on it. We'll see.

Then there's my writing. I completed the third draft of my novel after having to cut thousands upon thousands of words to make it ready to send out to literary agents. In April, I began querying. Which... has been a learning experience. (See my most recent post before this one.) But, I recently found a new critique partner and she and I are working together to figure out what's going wrong with my pages and why agents aren't biting. (And I'm reading and sending feedback on the manuscript she's currently working on.) She's been amazing so far and SO helpful. 

In the meantime, I was trying to work on a new novel to distract myself from all of my literary agent rejections. It worked... kind of. Then, around the time I was getting started at my new hotel, I hit a writing wall. Not writer's block per say, because I had a general idea of what I wanted to write. But I couldn't find the motivation and each time I sat down at the computer I couldn't get myself to put words on the page. 

So, I joined a short story contest. I figured having deadlines, a goal, and short story to work on would give me motivation to just get writing again.

It worked. 

You can read it here: http://shortfictionbreak.com/summer-17/ and find the story "Mixed Drinks by Emily Hornburg." The stories are organized by author last name. It's not the best one of the bunch I'm sure, especially since this was my first attempt at such a short story. (Our limit was 1000 words!) But, it was a good exercise for me and gave me inspiration for other short stories. The winners won't be announced for awhile yet as the judges are still reading all of the submissions, but you can vote for readers choice and read all of them. 

Now, I'm working on my next novel, which is a fairy tale mash-up and I'm excited to finally be making progress on it.

Honestly - that's about it. I'm impressed I was able to find so much to say! I would love to hear what's going on in your life and... maybe it'll be sooner than a month from now when I blog next!

If you want regular updates, check out my Facebook page and/or subscribe by email! The form is at the bottom of the page. 

Query Struggles

There's nothing quite like starting a Monday morning and opening up your email to find yet another message from a literary agent saying:  "Thanks for sending me your query, however..."

Photo by mactrunk/iStock / Getty Images

For roughly three years, I worked on my novel. Writing, rewriting, filling in plot holes, cutting 50k words, adding more words, outlining, sending it out to beta readers... repeat. To be perfectly honest, I'm sure there's even more work to do. But, there is a certain point where you have to try to put down the pen and see where it goes.

So, I wrote a query letter. And another and another and another, until it was all nice and pretty and clean and polished. I had done my research and a big spreadsheet was saved in Google Docs with all of the agents I wanted to send letters to and their submission guidelines. I followed them on Twitter and visited their pages. Everything was set to go and I clicked "send."

I knew the reality of the querying process. I'd heard enough authors talk about it and read enough articles and listened to enough podcasts to know that it is long, hard, and frustrating. Some authors spend over 10 years querying before they get a book sold. Maybe even more. 

But there's always that thought in the back of your head "but it could happen now..."

That thought goes away really quickly after a couple months and your inbox is full of "thanks but no thanks" messages. 

Honestly, I've been fortunate with these emails. I haven't had a single person tell me "you're a terrible writer" or "you need to practice more" or "don't quit your day job." While all of the replies have been short, they've also been encouraging. Things such as "you're a great writer, this just isn't the story for me." I even had one say while this book wasn't for them, they'd be open to having me send them a future project if the opportunity arises. They all tell me to keep going and they're cheering for me.

Which is wonderful and encouraging.

But it also really sucks.

Because I love this story. I love these characters. I want other people to love it too. And while I know it isn't an agent's job to give critiques... this doesn't help me in knowing what I need to improve on so the next time I can do better.

A couple months ago I listened to Lauren Graham's (Lorelai Gilmore) audiobook "Talking As Fast As I Can" where she shares her journey to Gilmore Girls and her acting career. There was one quote which stuck out to me when she was talking about being a young actress going out on auditions.

Am I just paying my dues? Or is this all the beginning of what's to be a waste of my time?

Okay... that's not an exact quote. I couldn't find the exact one online to copy and paste... but you get the idea.

Even if I do someday get an agent and one of my books is published, I'm okay with it never being a best seller or making millions of dollars (or even thousands...) off of it. I just want other people to read it. 

I have thought about self-publishing. In fact, not long ago I talked to a friend of mine who used to design covers for a self-publishing company. She said if I do decide to go that route she'd be happy to design my cover for me and to help me research the best ways to go about it. Which is wonderful, and I know there are tons of authors who self-publish and do great work and are successful. 

Yet, I also know my strengths. Marketing is not one of them. I don't want to set myself up for failure. 

I've also thought about if the traditional publishing thing doesn't work out, I could just put my book out there on Wattpad. I have an account, but I haven't posted anything there yet because once you do, that particular story isn't able to be traditionally published.

If the point is just to get the book out there and let people enjoy it, then these are great options. 

I'm in no way giving up on my querying and publishing journey. I have a whole list of agents to send this book out to still, and if this one doesn't work out - while I'll be heartbroken - I'll move onto the next book and either self-publish/post on Wattpad this current one.

But... the struggle is real my friends. Lately, when people have been asking me about my writing, I haven't wanted to talk about it. Or, if I do want to talk about it, all I'll do is whine and complain about how it's hard. 

So, for those of you who have been wondering how it's going... there it is. I'm sure it's going to be going this way for awhile because that's simply how the querying process is. Hopefully, I will be able to update everyone with something more exciting and positive... someday.

For now, it's waiting. And sending out letters. And revising letters. And trying not to think about it.

Silence

I can't remember the last time I actively prayed.

There. I said it. It's been something I feel I've had to say out loud for some time, but never had the courage to. Or, perhaps in this case, write it out loud.

Maybe here and there I have the frantic "God, the salt trucks haven't made it out to this highway yet so you better be sure I make it to my destination through these icy roads in one piece" prayer. But.. what Chicagoan hasn't?

Outside of the few church services I make it to these days, I never find myself praying. Even when I do find a rare Sunday morning when I don't have to work and I make it to worship, more often than not my eyes start to glaze over and my mind wanders during public prayers.

Yet, this started to happen long before my current work schedule came into place. I remember when I worked in the church, most Sunday mornings I glossed over the words of the liturgy. The prayers I led for the youth group became trite and compact. I knew the right words to say for the situation and that was that and then it was time to move onto the next thing on the agenda.

There was a time when this wasn't the case. Not to say I've ever had the most active "prayer life" as some would say. For years I attempted to have daily quiet times to myself to read and meditate. If my mind wandered as I drove my car I tried to move my focus into conversation with Jesus. When I was alone in my dorm room I took a stab at saying impromptu prayers out loud. None of these things stuck with me. At least I tried.

In fact, there were distinct moments I even remember hearing God. Maybe not an actual physical voice, but at least three times I heard God talking back.

Once, it was during a Bible study. I remember looking over at the guy I was currently pinning over. (And let's be real - the entirety of my non-existent love life has been me pointlessly pinning over some dude.) The word "wait" popped into my mind. I needed to wait. I can honestly say I did wait, and I still am. For who or what - I have no idea. But I know God still has me in this "waiting" stage.

Another time, it was over a period of several weeks when verses from the book of 1 John kept on appearing in my life. In chapel, in class, conversations with friends, etc. Over and over again I was being reminded of how I needed to love people. While, yes, it was everyone's calling to love one another. It was a specific calling to me and my life, and it was what God wanted me to do. I'm not sure how well I succeed in this, and I view it slightly differently now than I did back then. But, it's something I have taken to heart. Enough to even have the phrase from Les Miserables tattooed upon my arm "To love another person is to see the face of God."

A third, was when I sat at the church where I worship now, years ago, and I looked across the aisle to a friend of mine and the words "This is your church family" popped into my mind. It was strange, because this friend and I weren't necessarily all that close yet. We had the same circles of friends and spent time together, but we weren't quite friends with each other yet. Now, almost a decade later, I do see her as my church family. She's the one I seek out each Sunday morning and we sit in our little section. She's the one I go out to lunch with when worship is done. We talk and text through the week and miss one another when the other can't make it on Sunday morning.

So, I know there is communication with God, and he speaks to us sometimes.

Now, there is silence.

Part of me wants to say God and I have been giving each other the cold shoulder, but I don't think that's quite it. It's not like he and I had a big disagreement and decided to stop talking over a grudge.

It's more like two friends who have lost touch. Not because neither one cared. But because someone moved away, or started a new job, or began a relationship. You keep meaning to have that Skype call or that coffee date... but it never happens. Yet, you know the other one is still there, ready with open arms whenever you do have time.

Maybe that's a bad way of looking at a relationship with God... but there it is.

I know my salvation isn't based on how often I pray and go to church - so please save the Lutheran lecture of "by grace alone..."

I've been reading a lot of Lauren F Winners this year, and in her book Girl Meets God, this is the part of the relationship she would describe as "brushing your teeth next to each other." You're no longer fascinated with each other and every little move you make, finding everything exciting and new. It's that time when you go through your routine, and brush your teeth next to each other. We know all of each others stories (or think we do) so the day is filled with silence. You're both there, but it's not quite the same. Not good or bad, But there it is.

One of my closest friends is in the stage of her faith where she's falling in love with God. I hear her talking about how she's reading the Bible in a year for the first time, all of the things she's learning, what she's praying and thinking about, sharing with me the worship songs which have touched her heart. I love hearing her talk about these things, and it makes me miss the openness and wonder I used to have.

As I read Girl Meets God a couple of months ago, I came across this:

"I am not sure that I have the passion to fall in love with a religion again. How to fall in love is not, now, what I need to learn. What I need to learn, maybe what God wants me to learn, is the long grind after you've landed." 

As much as part of me wants to be back in that passionate love again, I read this quote and feel a resounding "yes... that is me."

Then, in the book written by her which I'm reading now, Still, she expresses how she had stopped praying as well.

"I can paint my walls with slogans about staying faithful to the spiritual disciplines, about formation and habits to carry you through, about how wonderful it is that we Episcopalians have this great incomparable liturgy that keeps us tethered to prayer when our own heart's awandering, but the simple truth is that when you don't know what you believe and you don't know where you are or you think you've been deluded or abandoned or you've glutted yourself with busyness and you are hiding from yourself or the day has just been too long - if that is who and how you are, prayer sounds like a barefoot hike from Asheville to Paris; it would be nice if you got there, you are sure there is a nice glass of wine and a nice slice of brie waiting for you at some cafe somewhere, but there is really no way you can imagine actually making the walk."

When I read the words of her books, I can imagine she and I being friends sitting down side by side, sharing our experiences and thoughts on faith. Neither of us truly having any answers or ways out of the rut we're in. But nodding our heads in agreement saying "yes, I know what you're talking about."

There's a certain camaraderie in simply understanding the questions and knowing someone else has gone through the same thing, even if they can't answer the questions. It is it's own special sort of comfort.

I'm not sure the purpose of writing all of this is. I think, I read about someone with whom I could relate when it came to this topic, and I wanted to share that "hey... this is me." Maybe someone else will be able to say the same thing.

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How Small Christian Universities Messed Up My View of Love and Marriage

Note: This post originally was originally published at: http://www.lovewokemeupthismorning.com/2012/01/how-small-christian-universities-messed.html on January 18, 2012.

Once, I came across a blog post via The Good Women Project. Then, as I tend to do with posts I like, I shared it on Facebook. Holy crap that started a discussion.

If you want, you can read the post here. It turns out, a lot of my single friends (and some of my married friends, actually) really resonated with this post. One of my friends who was part of the conversation added how she felt it was about letting God have control, singleness isn't the problem, and how God did bring her her husband but she would have been fine if he hadn't. She then asked me this question: "I think being at [the name of our university] warped our views on this topic? Where single = unhappy, married = unhappy? Your thoughts?"

The short answer?

YES!

The long answer?

When I was 13 I started to read The Christy Miller Series. Spoiler alert: in the end, Christy marries the guy she fell for when she was 14 just after she graduates college.

When I was in high school, I started going to a youth group where most of the leaders were college students who went to a conservative Christian university in the city. Most of them also dated each other and got married soon after graduating college.

I had friends from youth group who went away to a Christian college in another part of the country. They were there one year and got engaged at the age of 19. Apparently, so many people were getting engaged at this school it was becoming an "epidemic" and couples had to get approval from the university to get married.

At the end of the summer after my senior year of high school, and I was preparing to leave for a small, conservative, Lutheran university, I visited another youth group where some of my friends with. One girl told me: "Emily, I just know you are going to meet your husband in college."

I then go to college. As a naive, impressionable, Jesus-loving, 18 year old girl, I got one message pounded into my brain:

YOU ARE GOING TO MEET YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND AT FRESHMAN CAMP!!!!!!!!

This was written all over the sidewalks and on posters around campus. I'm not even joking. Freshman camp is the weekend before classes begin the fall semester. Granted, the Orientation, Transfer, and Camp staffs (O-staff, T-staff, and Camp Staff) all told us they wrote those things in jest. However... it kind of wasn't a joke.

Through the next four years I saw countless students dating each other freshman year and then getting a ring put on their finger by junior or senior year. Heck, when I was 18, I was in a play where one of my cast mates got married over Christmas break. We would always joke around about getting our MRS degree at graduation. My sophomore year I lived on a small floor filled where a majority of the girls were (A) engaged, (B) in a serious relationship, or (C) pregnant. 

The message that you had to get married to your college sweetheart because that's what good Christian girls do was loud and clear. 

So where would that leave the girls on campus, like myself, who always found themselves boy-friendless? My single friends and I had countless conversations about waiting for the right guy, how God has a plan, and learning how we need to "give our singleness to the Lord". Sometimes we even put on a very convincing facade that we were 100% okay with being single in a sea of engaged couples.

But it wasn't OK.

I just can't help but wonder why this is such a big trend in conservative Christian circles. Nothing is wrong with marrying young. Heck, I grew up in the Boy Meets World generation where Cory and Topanga were the ideal couple.

Looking back, I'm glad I never dated any of the guys I was interested in during my college years. Not that they weren't great guys, they were, and some I am still friends with. But I remember when I was 18 I thought that if I dated one of them that I would have to marry him. That's completely ridiculous. Why this pressure to marry right away? What if that's not God's plan for you? What if you never marry? What if you marry after the age of 25? (Yes - in some circles being 25 and single makes you an old maid.) Does this make you a "bad Christian?" Does this make you less of a person? Does it mean that married = happy, and single = unhappy? I don't think so. 

I also feel like most people would agree with me. 

So why this trend? I would love to hear your thoughts.

*Please note, that this is not a bash against Christy Miller, the youth leaders I had in high school, the university I attended, or people who marry young. Christy Miller is one of my all time favorite book series. My youth leaders helped me grow in my faith in so many ways. I had an awesome college experience. I have several close friends who married young and are amazing people whose friendships I would never want to loose. 

What I Miss

Another Lent and Easter has come and gone. Growing up old school Lutheran, the church seasons have always been one of the ways I mark passing time. We start with Advent, then Christmas, Epiphany, Lent, and now we're in Easter. 

I went with my mom, sister, and her mother-in-law to the church where I grew up. If I remember correctly, the last time I had gone to a service there was last Easter, since I was working during Christmas. I still go to church, but at another location. 

As I sat in the pew and sang the old familiar hymns, I couldn't help but wonder when the last time I was genuinely joyful to be at a service. I could't remember.

In fact, I can't even remember the last time I legitimately prayed. Not just praying with the congregation on Sunday morning or with my family over meals. Really sat down and had a conversation with God.

If I'm being brutally honest, I think it was back when I lived in Missouri. I moved away from there going on three years ago.

Even when I worked in the church, I could see it happening to me. My personal Bible reading was becoming less frequent. My prayers were shorter. The songs I sang were half hearted. The years after I graduated college, something began to change in me.

Don't misunderstand me. It's not a crisis of faith- per say. I still believe. In fact, in ways I believe in Jesus, grace, faith, scripture, forgiveness, etc. more than I used to. I also don't want you to take this as me not loving the church congregation I'm a part of. I do. It's a wonderful place, I love going, and I love the people there. It's what I need right now.

But praying? Having joy in worship? Reading my Bible just because? It's just not there, and I don't know why. 

And I miss it. But I also don't.

I don't miss the guilt I used to have about worrying if I hadn't prayed or read my Bible enough. I don't miss feeling like I had to be sitting in the church building every single Sunday or else I'd be a bad Christian. I don't miss feeling the obligation to run around everywhere yelling about Jesus and how much he loves you and wants you to convert and be baptized RIGHT NOW. I don't miss telling teenagers what I felt the synod wanted me to tell them.

I do miss the joy though. I miss going to a service and not critiquing everything I see or hear. I miss the curiosity I had about scripture and wanting to dig in more and more and learn all that I could. I miss wanting to go to a Bible study or small group to talk about faith with my friends. I miss the days when I could pray saying "Papa God" and not feeling like an idiot for saying it. I miss when I could journal for pages and pages on my thoughts on a certain verse. 

I know my faith isn't dependent on how I'm feeling, or how much I pray, or how much I read. Thank God!

I also like how my views have grown and changed and matured. I'm glad I'm not the girl I was back in high school and college. 

But I do miss the joy. 

Challenges

Here we are. Week two of blogging again. I'm not going to lie, it almost didn't happen. Already I have a case of writers block. I have a few post ideas lined up, and a few favorites from my old blog I want to revisit, but I didn't want to pull them out quite yet. Which means... needing to think of something to write about. Particularly something that isn't just a "Currently I'm..." or a tag or something.

Not that there is anything wrong with those. It's just too early to fall back on them at the moment. That's part of the challenge though. Thinking of something worthwhile to share, but also something I'm willing to share. The Internet is forever you know.

Another part of the challenge is figuring out how I want to let people know a new post is up. Ultimately, I'd love for me to get on a regular once or twice a week basis so people know when to come to my site and check it out. However, that might take awhile and who knows if I'm that reliable. 

Right now, I don't want to post it to Facebook. It's just a little too public for me. I have plenty of friends I'd be find with reading this, but there are other people I'm not so sure. If they happen to come across my blog, that's one thing. But me putting it right there in their laps makes me nervous. Yet, if I'm writing things and letting them out there for all of the world to see - should it matter? 

Last week when I first hit "publish" I ended up talking to a friend of mine from college who also has a blog. Hers is very open and honest and she has it all out there on Facebook for all to see. She said it made her nervous too, but has been happy with how it's gone. She said now that it's out there, she feels much better. Maybe it'll be the same for me. I might see how this goes for awhile though before I make that move. Anyone else have thoughts on this?

These challenges are good though. If something is worth doing, I think it needs to have a challenge. That's how you grow and push yourself and become better. Starting from scratch is hard, but hopefully in the end it'll make be a better blogger and writer. 

So, there we are. Week two. It's not much, but it's something, and it's what's on my mind. 

Also, I've figured out how to add social media, Bloglovin (kinda), and an email subscription to this site! You'll find it all in the footer. Slowly but surely I'm figuring this whole Squarespace thing out. Hooray!

In The Beginning

When writing, beginnings are the actual worst. 

There's so much pressure on how you start things. You have to hook the reader in. Grab their attention. When you send pages of a manuscript to an agent or publisher, usually they have you send in the beginning of your work. The first chapter, or 5-10 pages, or something. If they don't like those first few pages it goes in the trash. 

Okay, I don't know if it actually goes in the literal trash. But you get the idea.

Beginnings are kind of a big deal.

A blank page, or in this case, screen, can be one of the most intimidating things in the world. I'm much more likely to procrastinate and focus on something else, anything else, when I have a blank page in front of me. If I have something there already, it's much easier for me to keep going. It's the getting started that gets me. 

For over a month now, I've had this page on SquareSpace all set up for me to fill it up with words and pictures. I had this idea of starting blogging again, but this time going from scratch. From the beginning. 

Part of me thought I should go back to my old blog. Everything was already started! The page was up. I had followers. (Well... some followers.) There were already posts there, I just had to go back to writing more of them.

But, I knew deep down starting over was what was needed. Something new, simple, and without other strings and obligations. No gimmicks, not selling anything, no niches, tags, or pressure. Just me and the page. 

I wondered if I should do it at all. I don't have advice to give about anything. I can't tell you how to get a job, how to make money, what to cook for dinner tonight, or how to craft something you can sell on etsy. All I have are my thoughts and random things going on in my life. Things that will probably bore everyone. 

I miss blogging though. I miss writing just for the sake of writing and clearing my head. A friend of mine from college has been blogging lately and I love hearing about her life and what's going on. It's awesome, I feel like she and I are closer now than we have been in awhile, and it made me realize how much I used to love sitting down on Xanga and later Blogger to talk about my day and the ideas going through my head without worrying about how many followers I had or if I would ever "make it" as a blogger. 

Not that I don't want people to read. Let's be honest. Obviously I want people to read or else I would just keep a diary. I have no idea if anyone is interested. I might not be transparent enough. I might be too transparent. Who knows. But, I want to write. 

The thing was, the beginning. 

I have tons of ideas and I have several saved drafts of what I want to write about. None of them fit the bill for the first post though. That gosh darn beginning. 

Yet, it has to be done.

So, here we are. 

The beginning. 

I feel like Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens should start singing "The Start of Something New" or I should quote the book of Genesis or something...