If We Were Having Coffee

One of my favorite life catch up blog formats is this "if we were having coffee." It's probably because I'm slightly addicted to Starbucks and going on a coffee date is one of my favorite ways to catch up with friends in real life.

Since I can't have coffee with all of you, this will have to do.

No... this post isn't sponsored by Starbucks. 

I WISH. Starbucks, if you want to sponsor me, I'd be MORE than happy to oblidge. Give me all the coffee!

If we were having coffee... if it's in the morning I'm ordering a grande vanilla iced latte. If it's the afternoon I'm going all out and getting a mocha frappachino! Spring has finally arrived in Chicago, and I'm all about enjoying the sunshine and a refreshing cold drink.

If we were having coffee... I'd request we sit outside in the sunshine. There is only a tiny window in the year where it's warm enough to sit outside, but not so warm you're begging for air conditioning. Let's enjoy it while it's here, shall we?

If we were having coffee... I would probably continue to gush about the good weather. I'm not usually one who is overly anxious for spring to come. I don't LOVE the freezing cold, but I can deal. I'm not a huge fan of extreme summer heat, so while I like spring... I just then think that summer is coming. But this year it was even too much for me. Bring on the sunshine!

If we were having coffee... I'd also gush about spring and summer dresses and skirts. I just bought a couple and I love them in place of shorts! They're just so comfortable and even when it's casual, it makes me feel just slightly fancier and more feminine. Nothing beats looking cute while also feeling comfortable.

If we were having coffee... I'd bring up work, because whenever I talk to people for some reason I can't avoid it. Work is on my mind a lot, and I have to let it out sometimes! There's some changes coming soon, and they make me slightly nervous. We're also short staffed at the moment (again) and that makes everything more stressful. Basically, I need a nap and a vacation.

If we were having coffee... I'd share my woes about dating. (Again.) If this was a week ago, I would have talked about how I was feeling hopeful and talking to a couple of seemingly great guys. This week? It's a whole new story. I'm down, frustrated, angry, and disappointed. Every time I think I'm finally up to meeting someone, they turn out to be awful, or plain disappointing, or not who I thought they were.  I'm wondering if I just have terrible taste or don't know how to read the warning signals. I'm also wondering if I need to delete all of the apps and not bother anymore. I'm constantly battling not settling for less than I deserve, while also not having unrealistic expectations. 

If we were having coffee... I'd talk about nostalgia. This past week I went out with some college friends to the neighborhood where we went to school. I rarely go out that way these days and driving down those roads gives me some hard core nostalgia. It's like I'm 21 again! (Which... I graduated 9 years ago. Yikes! I'm old.) We saw students from the school getting ice cream where we were eating and it was weird to think it was so long ago we were in the same shoes getting ready to graduate. I'm also amazed how much my life and relationships have changed since then. I'm surprised by who I've kept in touch with and who I haven't. I'm surprised at how much my personality has changed... but also how it hasn't. If only college me could see me now! I think she'd be pretty shocked and appalled. But, I'm okay with that.

If we were having coffee... I'd talk about how I'm super excited that I finally finished my Chicagoland Vampires book collection. Nerdy, I know. But do you expect anything else from me? I fell IN LOVE with this series about a year or two ago and read all of the books via the library. Since it completed last year, I decided I should own them for myself. As of this week I have all 13 and they fit perfectly on my shelf. They look fabulous!

If we were having coffee... I'd say how I wish I could do things like this more often. It seems like I never have time or opportunities to hang out with friends and relax. I do have relaxation time, but it's usually alone. I miss being more social, but with my odd schedule it's difficult to find time when others are free when I am. I'm not sure what to do about that. 

If we were having coffee... I'd share how I'm attempting to do yoga again. Not every day, but a couple of days a week. I love watching Yoga With Adrienne videos on YouTube, but I'd like to explore more!

If we were having coffee... Going with the "self-care" lines I'd say how I'm also taking more baths lately. It's been YEARS since I've taken a bath, but a month or two ago I did a bath bomb making night with some friends and one of them encouraged me to take more since it'll help with my bones and relaxing all of my sore muscles. At first, it was super weird and awkward. I didn't really know what to do with myself. But, now I've gotten myself a bath pillow, fun bath bombs, and I bring music and a book with me. It's so nice and relaxing! #treatyourself

If we were having coffee... I'd talk about how my niece is already 6 months old! She's getting so big and active. She's even going to be transitioning to "real" food soon which I can't believe! Aunt life is the best.

So, what about you? If we got together for a coffee date, what would you talk about? And more importantly - what's your order? 

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Like what you read? Consider buying me a coffee. 

What to do About Dating Part 3: Story Time

I've been doing some heavier topics with dating the last couple of week. So, let's lighten things up a bit, shall we? 

I've been told that I have some of the most outrageous stories when it comes to my limited online dating experiences. I may not think they're a big deal, or that perhaps they're "normal." But when I tell them my friends start to have a strange look on their face and ask "he did/said what?"

So, here's one of my "classic" stories friends always want me to share when people ask about my online dating experiences.

The Forest Preserve Guy

Please note:  names have been changed to preserve privacy.

It was a few years ago in the early spring. I'd moved back to Chicago and was working part-time at a preschool. It was a new start to my life, so I decided it was a good time to jump into online dating. I'd attempted it (barely) in the past, but I needed to ACTUALLY try. 

I found him on an app and he had a great opening line. He noticed I mentioned in my profile that I used to work in youth ministry about how his dad was a pastor so he understood how much ministry could suck.

Someone who understood me! It was amazing!

We chatted on the app for a bit and quickly moved onto actual text messages. Sharing my phone number with a guy was brand new to me, so this was quite a brave and exciting step. We texted all weekend and had deep conversations. I'd waded through a ton of terrible conversations and sleezey men. This was a breath of fresh air.

He told me his name was Johnathan. I remember specifically asking him if he preferred John or Johnathan. He said Johnathan. (Yes, this is important.) Cool.

It just so happened later that week, a friend of mine was coming up to Chicago for a few days and was staying at a hotel somewhat around the area of where I worked. I always finished my shift around 1pm, and I had a couple of hours to spare before meeting her. So, in a surge of uncommon bravery, I texted Johnathan and asked if he was free and if he wanted to hang out. He said sure, and he was planning to take his dog to the dog park that afternoon and asked if I'd want to come.

I thought it was a great idea. I love dogs, and it's a slightly different first meeting/date from the usual coffee or drinks. 

I told him what time I was off work, he gave me the address, and I said how long it'd take me to get there.

The day came, I wore a cute (but not like I was trying too hard) outfit, and when I left work I punched the address into my GPS. I arrived slightly early, but still roughly about the time I said I would. However... this address did not look like a dog park.

It was a forest preserve with a large field across the street from a neighborhood. So... not tucked away and deserted or anything like that. But definitely not a dog park.

I decided not to panic. Since I'm directionally challenged and get lost all of the time, I figured I found the wrong place. So, I drove around a bit in search of the dog park. 

There was none to be found.

Eventually, I saw an elderly woman walking a dog. Surely, she knew where the dog park was! I pulled over and asked.

She said, "Well, there's the field by the forest preserve. BUT YOU HAVE TO HAVE YOUR DOG ON A LEASH!"

"Okay... thank you." 

I parked next to a house across the street and looked over at the open field as I texted Johnathan: I think I'm at the right place? It's a forest preserve.

He texted back. Oh! I didn't know you were already there! Give me ten minutes.

First of all,  I told him what time I'd be there. But... whatever.

Second of all, I was in the right place. The thought go through my mind:

AND THIS IS WHERE I GET MURDERED.

Naturally, as I waited I put on some lip gloss. Because apparently when you're about to get murdered you should also look cute. 

Please don't ask me why I stayed. I have no idea.

Sure enough, Johnathan arrived with with dog in tow and we hung out in the field. He apologized and said "Yeah... it's not really a dog park."

Yeah. I got that.

The date/meet-up itself wasn't that bad. Conversation wasn't amazing, but not weird or awkward as so many first dates can go. He seemed like a pretty nice guy. His dog was also adorable and she loved me.

But then.

He said, "By the way, my name isn't Johnathan. It's Dave."

Me:

Now, if I recall correctly, the app we had been using was one where you had a username. But he introduced himself when we chatted AND as you recall, I specifically asked him what he preferred to be called.

I understand wanting to be safe and all, but when you're at the point of texting and meeting up, that's also when you know someone by their ACTUAL name. Also, you don't tell someone you're going to a dog park when you're actually going to a forest preserve in a random open field.

I try to be nice and ask "So, is Johnathan your middle name or something and you just prefer it?"

"No, it's just a name I like to go by."

Oooooookkkkkkkaaaaaaayyyyy.....

JUST A NAME YOU RANDOMLY PICKED FOR YOURSELF YOU LIKE TO GO BY?

What? What? What? If you hate your name, then go get it changed to the one you like! 

We parted ways after a bit when it was time for me to meet my friend. I didn't hear from him after, and he didn't hear from me. Which, there was no reason he didn't text me. I was awesome. Not that I wanted him to text me, but still.

Until a few weeks later when he texted to say that he got a new place and wanted to see if I wanted to come over and watch Netflix.

About a year later, in the winter, I get a random Facebook message from him (Yes, on his Facebook, he has both names) and he wanted to see how I was and told me about the "crazy" girl he just broke up with.

Cool?

I haven't spoken to him since.

And that's just the tip of the ice berg when it comes to some of the weird stories I have. 

Anyone else have weird dating stories they want to share?

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What to do About Dating Part 2: Being Upfront

Honesty is one of the most important elements of any type of relationship. Whether it's dating, marriage, friendship, family, or even a hook-up. If people aren't honest about who they are and where they're at, there is bound to be trouble. 

It's the age old story. One person is there just for the night. The other person wants love and marriage. The discussion of what they really want never happened. They have a date and then the next day... I'm sure you know where this story is going, and it doesn't end well. 

If both parties had been more upfront about what they wanted and where they were at, a lot of heartache and drama could have been avoided. 

But, how do you approach these topics? When are you upfront about your life, and when is it okay to wait until later to bring up certain issues? 

Not long ago, a friend of mine on Twitter was discussing this topic of being upfront. (She gave me permission to reference this conversation for this post, by the way.) She is asexual, and was trying to figure out when you're starting to date someone is it appropriate to bring this up. The last I checked, there wasn't a box to check on OkCupid for "asexual." So... when do you talk about it? Before you meet? The first date? When you start to get physical? It's a really great thread and some awesome advice, so I highly suggest you clicking the link to check it out.

I'm not in the same situation, but I could get where she was coming from. While I'm not ace, I am a virgin. (Yes! We do still exist! We're like unicorns!) 

Some of the more detailed dating sites and apps do give you the opportunity to ask questions about this, but I've found that I still need to find a way to bring it up while getting to know a guy. So far, I haven't found a solution. 

Most of the time, the conversation ends up being them asking me personal questions about my past relationships, expecting me to explain myself, them thinking that I judge them for having a sexual past (By the way... I totally don't. As long as you're safe and everything is consensual, I don't care.), or it turning into an argument.

It's shocking to me how rare a reply such as "No need to explain yourself, it's your body and your choice and I respect that" happens. When it does, I'm pretty floored. 

Part of me hates that most of the time I have to bring this up before I even meet the guy. I don't want it to be an expectation or an automatic write-off. These aspects of someone's life are very personal, and if me, or someone like me, doesn't want to share right away, that should be okay. 

But at the same time, if that's what the other person wants, shouldn't they know this about me before anything happens? And if they're going to be a jerk about it, don't I want to know sooner rather than later?

I've found this to be an issue also when it comes to my disability. One of the very first dates I ever went on from an online app, I had talked to the guy for a couple of days and we met up for coffee. While, on my profile I had a fully-body photo, the guy didn't put together the pieces that I was small. (4'2 to be exact.) Let's just say... it was awkward. I learned the hard way that this is something I absolutely need to be clear about upfront. 

One of my favorite YouTubers, Sitting Pretty with Lolo, gives advice about online dating with a disability all of the time. She suggests while your first profile pic can be whatever you want, be sure that one of the next ones shows your disability. (If it's visible.) For Lolo, that would mean a picture in her wheelchair. For me, while the wheelchair on occasion is something I use, the bigger one for me is being sure I show my height.

Then, Lolo suggests being sure you mention it once in your profile, then move on. Thankfully, most apps and sites give an option for sharing your height. (Although, a couple have automatic options and they don't always go as low as I need, which is really frustrating.) Later, somewhere in my profile (among all of my other awesome attributes!) I mention that I have Osteogenesis Imperfecta. (OI) I've had a couple of interesting pick-up lines from that to be honest! 

I still make it a habit to mention it before I meet a guy to be on the safe side. It's usually awkward, and I don't always know how to bring it up. Most often this conversation goes better than the "hey I'm a virgin" one, but can still be awkward because I don't know how to weave it into conversation. Yet, I know I have to be upfront because once you meet me, there's no way of avoiding it.

I definitely want to go more into detail about dating and having a disability, but that's another topic for another time.

These are the two biggest topics I think about when it comes to being upfront about myself right away. But, there are so many other things too where it can be tricky figuring out how and when to bring it up. Smoking and drinking habits, if someone is divorced, if someone has kids, political views, etc. 

Frankly, if it's a good conversation I don't mind diving into some of the "real stuff" right away. But even then, a lot of these things can be incredibly personal, and I don't think someone should be forced to talk and share them before they're ready. But when dating, when is the appropriate time? 

I'd love to hear people's thoughts on this and how they've handled these things or give any insights. Sometimes I feel so silly asking these questions because I think I should have enough dating experience by now to have other thoughts. But, it is what it is, right? 

Right.

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Like what you read? Consider buying me a coffee. This simply helps me to offset costs (ex. paying for my website domain) so I can continue to create quality and professional content - along with you receiving my lifelong love and appreciation!

What to do About Dating Part 1: Standards

Valentines Day is coming up, so what better time than now to talk about dating?

In my case, it's more of a lack of dating, but not because I haven't tried. Swipe right, swipe left, trying to think of something clever to say, do I actually give this random guy my phone number, do we meet, where do we meet, what if we have nothing to talk about, what if he turns out to be a jerk... it's exhausting. 

The problem doesn't lie in meeting people from the internet. At least not for me. Thanks to blogging, YouTube, Twitter, Instagram, etc. I've gotten to know a ton of people through the Internet,  met them "in real life," and consider some to be dear friends.

With dating, there's so much more to sort through, jerks to avoid, and awkward conversations to endure.  Thankfully, the most recent app I've been using has updated their messaging system, and it's made things much better thus far. I'm avoiding a lot more of the guys I'm not interested in and able to focus on the ones I am. Hooray! 

But... that doesn't mean my problems are solved. Not by a long shot. It's high time I talked about them. 

Leading up to the big V-Day, I'm doing a 3 part series on my experiences with dating.

1. Standards
2. Being Upfront
3. Stories

This is by no means a series where I'm dishing out advice on how to make your dating profile amazing, what to do or what to talk about on dates, or the best pick up lines. I'm the last person for that.

This series is more about the thoughts I've been having when it comes to dating. Talking about the dilemmas I've faced. Sharing some funny stories. Things like that. 

As I write today's topic, I'm going to try and be as inclusive as I can. I will talk about being straight/cis woman/Christian because that is the particular perspective I come from and those are my experiences. However, I will still try to make this as relateable as possible no matter your orientation, gender, religion, etc. I'd love to hear different views and stories. So, feel free to share them in the comments, or email directly at eehornburg [at] gmail [dot] com. 

This also means you'll be getting a bonus blog post this week on Thursday with my January Reading Round-Up! (I wouldn't forget about that!) I also might have a bonus Flash Fiction story up on Friday. So, those of you who subscribe via email, your inboxes are going to be full this week!

The standards and expectations bring into relationships are fascinating. We all have images in our minds of what our partner will be like and set deal breakers for what will and will not work in a relationship. (Or hook up - whatever you're looking for!) What works for one person is a complete turn off for another and vise versa.

I wish I could tell you the pattern I have when it comes to swiping left or right. Some days, I'm stingy and don't like a single profile that comes across my screen. Other days, I'm in a generous mood and give almost every guy a chance. (I usually come to regret that later.) It feels so random and depends on my mood. 

I do have a few rules when it comes to giving a guy a chance. They're somewhat shallow like height (I'm 4'2... every guy towers over me, but even I have a limit), or I don't like the photo, if we have common interests, if they're hold a dog in their photo, how much they add in their profile, etc. But even with those things, there's still times I'll pass or accept and break these rules.

I guess they aren't really rules. More like guidelines.

I mean... just the other day I was chatting with a man who's profile said he was 6'5.

It makes me wonder, what is an actual deal breaker when it comes to dating and relationships? And when is it, if ever, okay to bend those rules we make for ourselves?

I'm not just talking about things like height, hair color, or if every single interest you have IS THE EXACT SAME. I'm talking about the big stuff. Religion, do you want a family, personalities complimenting each other, do you want the same things in life, politics, etc. 

The more I talk to men and swipe through the apps, the more I think about this, and how some of my deal breakers have changed. And if they should continue to change. 

Example:  a few years ago how someone voted may have played a role in who I was interested in, but ultimately, if they were a good person I was willing to be lenient if we didn't agree. Now, in light of the last few years, you bet your ass someone's political beliefs are a deal breaker for me. 

When we go into a relationship, compromises happen all of the time. I've seen them happen. One person vows they'll never get married or have children, then a few years later they're married with a baby. One person smokes but when they find someone they want a relationship with and they say "I don't date smokers" suddenly you see them with a nicotine patch on their arm. Another person may say that they never want to live with someone before they get married, but eventually move in with their partner before a ring is on their finger.

And all of these people are happy and comfortable with the choices they've made. 

So, what's the deal? When did they change their mind and how did they become comfortable with it?

For me, my big deal breaker has always been faith. I grew up in a traditional Lutheran household, went to a small Lutheran elementary school and university, worked in the church for five years, and always imagined I would end up with someone who shares the same faith as me.

But then, as I talk to guys, I've found I'm just as wary (if not more so) to try dating someone who is a Christian than those who aren't. A lot of times, it's the Christian men who have more of an issue with the fact that I have a disability (more on that at another time), and for the non-Christians it's totally fine. Or politically and socially I have more in common with the non-Christians than the Christians. (I'm not even talking about strictly Lutherans either.) I worry more about the Christian men judging due to the topics and characters I write about in my novels. It makes me wonder if I should open my sphere of men I should be interested in.

On the other hand, if my faith is something that is so important and such a large role in my life, is that something a future partner or spouse should share?

This doesn't have to be just about faith and religion - this simply is the big issue I personally come across. I'm sure people who aren't Christian, many times have the same questions about their own morals/ethics/standards/deal breakers as well.

As anyone would do, I took to the Internet with my question.

It struck up a great conversation, and I loved all of the comments and input I received. There are a lot of women just like me, who are strong Christians, but find dating to be a complete nightmare. Just hearing them say that they understood where I was coming from and were having the same issues as me was a tremendous comfort.

There were also, as I expected, people who encouraged me and shared Bible verses and experiences about dating other Christians. Then talked about praying about it and leaving it up to God. Which, I also appreciated and understood. I know the same verses and prayers and advice. Yet... it kinda of made me feel like Alexander Hamilton as he's rap battling with Thomas Jefferson.

And then I feel guilty for feeling this way - because I know they have the greatest of intentions and as I said, I totally get and see where they're coming from.

But, I see the people in my life that I know who married someone who doesn't share the same faith as them, and they're happy. It works for them. A friend privately messaged me and was like "you make compromises and religion was one of mine" and she's happy. When talking with another friend she said that yes, she thinks sharing that is what works best, but also that there's no harm in getting to know someone. There are a lot of people who marry those who don't share their faith. They're still Christian. They still go to church. The world hasn't ended.

Yet, I also had friends say that they would hate for me to let go of my standards and settle.

So, when is someone compromising and being realistic, and when is someone letting go of their standards and settling?

Okay... I know what some of you are thinking. "OMG WHO IS THE AMAZING GUY YOU MET THAT IS MAKING YOU CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS ON DATING?"

There is no one particular guy. I'm still single. I'm not seeing anyone specifically. 

Do I need to shout it for the people in the back? No? Okay, good.

These are simply thoughts I've been having as I fall down this rabbit hole of dating. I've been talking to a lot of different guys, and I've noticed there's a lot of them who don't fit that original image I had of who I'd want to end up with. Does that mean I don't give them a shot? I'm not sure.

Now, I ask you all, because I have zero answers or solutions. I'm sure ultimately, it's up to each individual person and couple. There is no one answer. But still, I'm curious.

What are your deal breakers when it comes to relationships? What are you willing to compromise? Have you found yourself changing your deal breakers as time goes on? What's surprised you about dating? Please, lend some insight to someone who hasn't given up on the idea of romance quite yet! 

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Like what you read? Consider buying me a coffee. This simply helps me to offset costs (ex. paying for my website domain) so I can continue to create quality and professional content - along with you receiving my lifelong love and appreciation!

If We Were Having Coffee

This is a blog topic which has been floating around the blogosphere for a few years now. (I think I first saw it on Mr. Thomas and Me, but I know a ton of other bloggers have used it and I'm not sure if she was the first to!) I've always loved this topic and format to share some thoughts I've been having lately. 

If we were having coffee... My drink of choice would probably be a blonde vanilla latte. Yup, I'm totally jumping on that Starbucks bandwagon with their blonde espresso. It's delicious.

If we were having coffee... I'd tell you how I'm still trying to figure out this blog. In some ways I'm really proud of it and where it's going. The layout is the best I've ever had because it looks professional while also reflecting who I am. I love how much more focused the posts are. But, I look at them and sometimes I think "I don't talk like that. Who talks like that?" As much as I want to be professional and talk about writing and books and everything... I want to be myself too. My favorite blogs are always the ones where I feel like I actually know the person who's writing. I want to be the same way. Even with my Flash Fiction Fridays I'm having doubts. I've really started to love writing these short stories, it's challenging me, and the characters I've been able to create are dear to my heart. My most recent story, has been one of my favorites and most personal to me so far. I'm so proud of it. But the amount of views it's had is rather sad. While I know it's not about the amount of views something has, it is discouraging. I'm not sure what to do about it. 

If we were having coffee... I'd talk about how truly awful online dating is. There are a lot of apps and websites who are working hard to improve things so people aren't getting unwanted messages as often. (OKCupid just updated their messaging system that I'm pretty happy about.) But, it still just sucks. First, you have the plain old jerks and creepers. Once you weed them out, you have the guys who have no clue how to hold a conversation. Once you weed them out, there's the ones who seem like good men... but soon you realize they're just jerks in disguise. I'm exhausted. But, I've had some fascinating conversations about all of this lately, that will probably result in some blog posts. So, at least there's that?

If we were having coffee... I'd share how my niece is already 2 months old, and still completely adorable. She's super "talkative" and always makes all of these noises like she wants to be part of the conversation. I love it! 

If we were having coffee... I'd talk about how I'm not sure what to do about church at the moment. The service I've been attending since college (regularly in college, then when I'd come visit the years I lived in Missouri, then officially joined as a member when I moved back to Chicago) closed it's doors December 31st. The "main campus" which hosted the service is still open, and my membership is there. I want to try to continue to go there because I love the congregation. But I also wonder if this is a sign for me to find another place to go. Particularly one closer to home. Yet, I do like the congregation, and I end up working on almost every Sunday morning anyway which prevents me from attending anywhere. So... maybe I need to just not worry about it. But I've never not had a "home base" for Sundays mornings before on the rare occasions I can attend. This is weird for me. 

If we were having coffee... My shallow and materialistic side would come out and I'd probably be gushing about the Pandora bracelet I got for Christmas. I'm slightly obsessed and am always paging through the catalog and website looking at charms. I know.. it's ridiculous. But I can't help it! It's just so pretty and shiny!

If we were having coffee... I'd talk about how finishing the rough draft of Vampire Snow White isn't going quite as I had hoped. I think my month-long break in December did more harm than good because now I can't get back into the swing of writing regularly. It's not like I'm not thinking about it or working on it. I am. I've done some brainstorming, world building, and had a couple break-throughs. All of this totally counts and is great! But, actual words on the page? Not so much. 

If we were having coffee, what would you order? What would you tell me about your life lately?

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Like what you read? Consider buying me a coffee. This simply helps me to offset costs (ex. paying for my website domain) so I can continue to create quality and professional content - along with you receiving my lifelong love and appreciation!

How Small Christian Universities Messed Up My View of Love and Marriage

Note: This post originally was originally published at: http://www.lovewokemeupthismorning.com/2012/01/how-small-christian-universities-messed.html on January 18, 2012.

Once, I came across a blog post via The Good Women Project. Then, as I tend to do with posts I like, I shared it on Facebook. Holy crap that started a discussion.

If you want, you can read the post here. It turns out, a lot of my single friends (and some of my married friends, actually) really resonated with this post. One of my friends who was part of the conversation added how she felt it was about letting God have control, singleness isn't the problem, and how God did bring her her husband but she would have been fine if he hadn't. She then asked me this question: "I think being at [the name of our university] warped our views on this topic? Where single = unhappy, married = unhappy? Your thoughts?"

The short answer?

YES!

The long answer?

When I was 13 I started to read The Christy Miller Series. Spoiler alert: in the end, Christy marries the guy she fell for when she was 14 just after she graduates college.

When I was in high school, I started going to a youth group where most of the leaders were college students who went to a conservative Christian university in the city. Most of them also dated each other and got married soon after graduating college.

I had friends from youth group who went away to a Christian college in another part of the country. They were there one year and got engaged at the age of 19. Apparently, so many people were getting engaged at this school it was becoming an "epidemic" and couples had to get approval from the university to get married.

At the end of the summer after my senior year of high school, and I was preparing to leave for a small, conservative, Lutheran university, I visited another youth group where some of my friends with. One girl told me: "Emily, I just know you are going to meet your husband in college."

I then go to college. As a naive, impressionable, Jesus-loving, 18 year old girl, I got one message pounded into my brain:

YOU ARE GOING TO MEET YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND AT FRESHMAN CAMP!!!!!!!!

This was written all over the sidewalks and on posters around campus. I'm not even joking. Freshman camp is the weekend before classes begin the fall semester. Granted, the Orientation, Transfer, and Camp staffs (O-staff, T-staff, and Camp Staff) all told us they wrote those things in jest. However... it kind of wasn't a joke.

Through the next four years I saw countless students dating each other freshman year and then getting a ring put on their finger by junior or senior year. Heck, when I was 18, I was in a play where one of my cast mates got married over Christmas break. We would always joke around about getting our MRS degree at graduation. My sophomore year I lived on a small floor filled where a majority of the girls were (A) engaged, (B) in a serious relationship, or (C) pregnant. 

The message that you had to get married to your college sweetheart because that's what good Christian girls do was loud and clear. 

So where would that leave the girls on campus, like myself, who always found themselves boy-friendless? My single friends and I had countless conversations about waiting for the right guy, how God has a plan, and learning how we need to "give our singleness to the Lord". Sometimes we even put on a very convincing facade that we were 100% okay with being single in a sea of engaged couples.

But it wasn't OK.

I just can't help but wonder why this is such a big trend in conservative Christian circles. Nothing is wrong with marrying young. Heck, I grew up in the Boy Meets World generation where Cory and Topanga were the ideal couple.

Looking back, I'm glad I never dated any of the guys I was interested in during my college years. Not that they weren't great guys, they were, and some I am still friends with. But I remember when I was 18 I thought that if I dated one of them that I would have to marry him. That's completely ridiculous. Why this pressure to marry right away? What if that's not God's plan for you? What if you never marry? What if you marry after the age of 25? (Yes - in some circles being 25 and single makes you an old maid.) Does this make you a "bad Christian?" Does this make you less of a person? Does it mean that married = happy, and single = unhappy? I don't think so. 

I also feel like most people would agree with me. 

So why this trend? I would love to hear your thoughts.

*Please note, that this is not a bash against Christy Miller, the youth leaders I had in high school, the university I attended, or people who marry young. Christy Miller is one of my all time favorite book series. My youth leaders helped me grow in my faith in so many ways. I had an awesome college experience. I have several close friends who married young and are amazing people whose friendships I would never want to loose.