If We Were Having Coffee

This is a blog topic which has been floating around the blogosphere for a few years now. (I think I first saw it on Mr. Thomas and Me, but I know a ton of other bloggers have used it and I'm not sure if she was the first to!) I've always loved this topic and format to share some thoughts I've been having lately. 

If we were having coffee... My drink of choice would probably be a blonde vanilla latte. Yup, I'm totally jumping on that Starbucks bandwagon with their blonde espresso. It's delicious.

If we were having coffee... I'd tell you how I'm still trying to figure out this blog. In some ways I'm really proud of it and where it's going. The layout is the best I've ever had because it looks professional while also reflecting who I am. I love how much more focused the posts are. But, I look at them and sometimes I think "I don't talk like that. Who talks like that?" As much as I want to be professional and talk about writing and books and everything... I want to be myself too. My favorite blogs are always the ones where I feel like I actually know the person who's writing. I want to be the same way. Even with my Flash Fiction Fridays I'm having doubts. I've really started to love writing these short stories, it's challenging me, and the characters I've been able to create are dear to my heart. My most recent story, has been one of my favorites and most personal to me so far. I'm so proud of it. But the amount of views it's had is rather sad. While I know it's not about the amount of views something has, it is discouraging. I'm not sure what to do about it. 

If we were having coffee... I'd talk about how truly awful online dating is. There are a lot of apps and websites who are working hard to improve things so people aren't getting unwanted messages as often. (OKCupid just updated their messaging system that I'm pretty happy about.) But, it still just sucks. First, you have the plain old jerks and creepers. Once you weed them out, you have the guys who have no clue how to hold a conversation. Once you weed them out, there's the ones who seem like good men... but soon you realize they're just jerks in disguise. I'm exhausted. But, I've had some fascinating conversations about all of this lately, that will probably result in some blog posts. So, at least there's that?

If we were having coffee... I'd share how my niece is already 2 months old, and still completely adorable. She's super "talkative" and always makes all of these noises like she wants to be part of the conversation. I love it! 

If we were having coffee... I'd talk about how I'm not sure what to do about church at the moment. The service I've been attending since college (regularly in college, then when I'd come visit the years I lived in Missouri, then officially joined as a member when I moved back to Chicago) closed it's doors December 31st. The "main campus" which hosted the service is still open, and my membership is there. I want to try to continue to go there because I love the congregation. But I also wonder if this is a sign for me to find another place to go. Particularly one closer to home. Yet, I do like the congregation, and I end up working on almost every Sunday morning anyway which prevents me from attending anywhere. So... maybe I need to just not worry about it. But I've never not had a "home base" for Sundays mornings before on the rare occasions I can attend. This is weird for me. 

If we were having coffee... My shallow and materialistic side would come out and I'd probably be gushing about the Pandora bracelet I got for Christmas. I'm slightly obsessed and am always paging through the catalog and website looking at charms. I know.. it's ridiculous. But I can't help it! It's just so pretty and shiny!

If we were having coffee... I'd talk about how finishing the rough draft of Vampire Snow White isn't going quite as I had hoped. I think my month-long break in December did more harm than good because now I can't get back into the swing of writing regularly. It's not like I'm not thinking about it or working on it. I am. I've done some brainstorming, world building, and had a couple break-throughs. All of this totally counts and is great! But, actual words on the page? Not so much. 

If we were having coffee, what would you order? What would you tell me about your life lately?

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2017 Year in Review and Looking Ahead

It's the first week of January and I'm already breaking my posting routine by blogging on Wednesday and not Tuesday. But, when I saw that one of my favorite bloggers, Helene in Between, was hosting a year in review and 2018 goals for January 3 link up, I had to join in on the fun. I was already planning a blog post on this topic anyway, so why not. Right? 

Right.

Click on the photo below to go to Helene's blog and find others who are linking up too!

2017 in Review

Life

At first, I didn't think 2017 had much going on, and for so many people 2017 was a terrible terrible year with politics, hurricanes, Nazis... just to name a few things. But, when I thought about it, there were a few big moments at least for myself and my family!

My sister and her husband had their first baby! All year my family and I were preparing, organizing the baby shower, and general excitement for the new arrival! She was born in November and we couldn't be happier!

I got a new job at another hotel. The same position at the front desk and same company as the hotel where I was previously, but this one is much closer to home. At my old job, I was driving an hour each way and when I looked at the cost of the commute, it just wasn't worth it. I'm really enjoying my new hotel which is also smaller than the previous one, and makes for a much more relaxing work environment. 

My parents and I moved to a new condo. It's smaller than our old place, but we really like it! It's cozy and perfect for us and the animals. 

I was in a friends wedding in Orlando, and while I was there I decided to spend a couple extra days to visit Disney World and Universal Studios. It was a blast! The best part was meeting Snow White (along with Elsa, Anna, Aurora, Mickey Mouse, Mary Poppins, Alice, Ariel...). Which, I know that makes a total dork! But I love Disney, and Snow White has been my favorite character ever since I was a toddler. I've gone to Disney World a few times, but never got to meet her before now, so it was definitely exciting for me.

Me at the wedding in July. The venue had an awesome library!

Blog

I finally bit the bullet and got my new blog started up! My old blog, Love Woke Me Up This Morning, had it's domain expire and I couldn't get it back up again. I took it as a sign to officially close that one down and get this one set up. I'm loving Square Space, and I'm really proud of the design and layout, and my blog posts and topics are much more intentional than they used to be.

Meeting Snow White in Epcot!

Reading

I read 113 books in 2017! In 2016 I had read 124, and I wanted to read less so I had more life/reading balance. Technically, I did read less. So... mission accomplished? Although, I'm not sure if I've nailed the life/reading balance yet - haha. 

Here's the genres I read (many books overlap into several genres and categories):

• 56 adult 
• 49 young adult
• 25 contemporary
• 59 fantasy
• 19 historical
• 2 graphic novels
• 6 sci-fi
• 3 classics
• 5 non-fiction
• 1 action
• 3 horror/thriller
• 32 romance
• 18 own voices
• 51 books which featured main characters from marginalized groups

I'll be posting about my top 17 books of 2017 next week, and if you want to see a full list and more stats, click here. 

One of the pretty trees at our new condo!

Writing

2017 was the year I finally began querying my urban fantasy novel to literary agents! It was terrifying.

After sending out 47 queries, I had exactly one agent request more pages, and all 47 ultimately said no. Sometimes through an email back, sometimes by not responding at all. Which, was a bummer. But, this was a big and important step for me in my writing career. 

Sending out queries helped me learn how to handle rejection. I learned what agents are looking for in a good query and opening pages. I learned how to get over the fear of putting myself and my work out there. Now that I've overcome the hurdle of starting the querying process, I know I can continue to do it.

I got started on a new project, which I've nicknamed "Vampire Snow White." It's exactly as it sounds. What if Snow White was a vampire? I'm obsessed with this project and these characters. It's been so much fun!

I joined the summer writing contest through The Write Practice, which was my first venture into short fiction and writing contests. I learned that I'm not very good at short fiction, but it's something I want to continue to work on. Thus, I created Flash Fiction Fridays here on my blog. It's a series I'm already loving, even though there's only been four stories so far. I hope you all have been loving them too!

Finally, I gained more writer friends and critique partners. There's a trio of myself and two friends from college where we've made our own little writing group and it's been a blast reading their pages and getting their feedback on mine too. Even beyond the writing elements, I'm living for our ongoing Facebook chat. 

Me and my niece, Elsie, the day after she was born! Isn't she the cutest?

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2018 Goals

I know that in all reality, the start of a new year is just another day. We don't need to count down to midnight and turn the page in our calendar to get started on our goals and what we want to accomplish. But, I love the symbolism behind it, and I like having that set time to start fresh. It doesn't erase or change anything from the year before, but it has the feeling of something fresh and new. 

Here are a few of the things I'd like to happen in 2018.

Life

It sounds a little sad, but I had a hard time thinking of goals for myself that are simply for myself and not the blog, reading, or writing. I'm not one to say "This year I'll go to the gym every day!" or "I'm going to eat healthier!" 

We all know that neither of these things will ever happen. 

But, I did think of a couple things in life I know I need to work on.

• Spend time with friends. Now that I have a semi-normal work schedule, I don't have an excuse to not see them anymore. I get off work around 3pm nearly every day, which means I have plenty of time in the afternoons to hang out and have a social life. I'm always happier when I'm out and about, but I let some anxiety get in the way.
• Go on actual dates. A friend and I were talking about this the other night and how we moan and groan about being "forever single." Then we turn around, talk to a guy for a bit, then ignore him, and never go out. It doesn't make sense. (We also joked about making a podcast about our crazy online dating stories just for comedy's sake because wow - we have some funny ones.) 
• Make a plan to go on a vacation. I've been doing better about this the last couple of years. I love to travel and see new places and experience new things, but I have a hard time making it a reality. My mom and I were discussing this not long ago and how we need to pick a place to go that we've always wanted to see, and figure out how we'll get there. 

Blog

I'm pretty proud of myself as it is with being able to keep up with blogging as much as I have been already. But there is always room for improvement and growth!

• Build up my email list. From what I've read for aspiring authors, I always hear how the email list is super important. Already I have it set up so people receive an email with each blog post, and a monthly newsletter. I'd love to have a freebie to include though when people sign up like an exclusive short story you can only get as an email subscriber. Keep an eye out!
• Post more often. So far, I've been posting once a week. Twice when I have a Flash Fiction Friday or a special occasion. I'd love it though if I could bump it up to twice a week.
• Include guest bloggers. Yes! I want guest bloggers! My email list was already informed, so they have first dibs. But I would love to include other writers, readers, and friends on this blog with guest posts and interviews. If you would like to write a guest post or be interviewed, send me an email! (eehornburg [at] gmail [dot] com)

Blog posts about planning for the new year means showing off your new planner, right? Right.

Reading

Usually, I try to go easy on the reading goals. Reading is a fun escape for me, and I hate it when I feel as though I "have" to read a certain book, vs. wanting to read it. But, I did notice that I wasn't reading as intentionally this past year, and there are a few things I'd like to accomplish.

• Read less. It sounds weird, and this was a goal last year (I read 124 in 2016 and 113 in 2017), and it's one I want to keep up. I love reading a ton of books every year. But, I know I need to be better at life/reading balance. I don't want to wake up one morning realizing I missed a ton of life opportunities and experiences because I had my nose stuck in a book.
• Read more own voices. I definitely have been reading own voices books, and reading books where the main characters are from marginalized groups. But, when I look at the numbers, I can do way better. Especially with own voices and books for adults. Not that I don't want to read YA own voices - I absolutely do! But, I'm familiar with that market and know where to find them. I want to work on finding authors for adults who are also own voices. All books need to be diverse and have representation from everyone in them. But, we need to be sure the own voices are being raised up. 
• Read books I already own. This is a big one. Of the physical books I already, I have roughly 35 I haven't read. Which isn't a bad number. But of my ebooks... that's a whole other story. I have a severe ebook downloading problem. They come so inexpensive, I feel like a fool NOT downloading them! Then here I am... with over 130 unread books sitting on my Kindle app. When I think about it too much, I get ridiculously overwhelmed.

Writing

My writing goals at this point in my life are some of my most important. Mainly because I'm impatient and I just want to have an agent and a book deal RIGHT NOW. 

I know this is not realistic, and even after an author signs with an agent, there's a ton more waiting and work to be done. But, my impatience helps to keep me motivated.

• Have a full rough draft done for Vampire Snow White and ready to send to my critique partners by the end of February. I got a big chunk of it done during NaNoWriMo, took a much  needed break in December, and now I'm ready to get back to it. This means writing about another 50,000 words. Considering I wrote 50k in one month, I can totally get another 50k done in two.
• Work on revisions and rewrites for my urban fantasy, Guardians of the City. This one is much more tentative, because I do think I need to take a step back from it for a bit. But, I'd like to think at some point this year, I'll be ready to tackle it again.
• Get back to work on fairy-tale mash-up. This is a project I was in the very beginning stages of before VSW took over my life. I didn't intend to cast it to the side, because I think it has a lot of potential. But, I'm so excited for VSW that I knew I needed to put all of my focus on that. I think while I'm waiting for readers to send me feedback on VSW I'll play around with this one a bit. Get some brainstorming and outlining done. I'd love it to be my 2018 NaNoWriMo project!

Apparently, I need to use pencil when I use my planner because I'm always crossing things out and rewriting it!

How's that for a list of goals and resolutions for 2018? I feel like such an overachiever when I look over these lists. But, I also know in reality, I most likely won't be able to accomplish all of them, and I'm okay with that. Which doesn't make me such an overachiever after all. 

How was 2017 for you? Any favorite memories for the year? Do you have any New Years Resolutions, Goals, or Plans?

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Merry Christmas!

Considering yesterday was Christmas, I don't have much of a post for today. You can't expect me to think about blogging when there's presents to give and receive, food to eat, and cheesy movies to watch! (All the while, getting baby snuggles from my niece who is now just over a month old.) 

I do hope that you are having a wonderful holiday season and it is filled with peace, love, and happiness! 

An extra blog post will be up on Thursday with my December reading round-up to make up for the lack of one today, and if you're wanting something fun and sweet and fast to read to get you into the holiday spirit, check out my Flash Fiction Friday from December 22. 

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

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Like what you read? Consider buying me a coffee. This simply helps me to continue creating content and I really appreciate your support!

Silence

I can't remember the last time I actively prayed.

There. I said it. It's been something I feel I've had to say out loud for some time, but never had the courage to. Or, perhaps in this case, write it out loud.

Maybe here and there I have the frantic "God, the salt trucks haven't made it out to this highway yet so you better be sure I make it to my destination through these icy roads in one piece" prayer. But.. what Chicagoan hasn't?

Outside of the few church services I make it to these days, I never find myself praying. Even when I do find a rare Sunday morning when I don't have to work and I make it to worship, more often than not my eyes start to glaze over and my mind wanders during public prayers.

Yet, this started to happen long before my current work schedule came into place. I remember when I worked in the church, most Sunday mornings I glossed over the words of the liturgy. The prayers I led for the youth group became trite and compact. I knew the right words to say for the situation and that was that and then it was time to move onto the next thing on the agenda.

There was a time when this wasn't the case. Not to say I've ever had the most active "prayer life" as some would say. For years I attempted to have daily quiet times to myself to read and meditate. If my mind wandered as I drove my car I tried to move my focus into conversation with Jesus. When I was alone in my dorm room I took a stab at saying impromptu prayers out loud. None of these things stuck with me. At least I tried.

In fact, there were distinct moments I even remember hearing God. Maybe not an actual physical voice, but at least three times I heard God talking back.

Once, it was during a Bible study. I remember looking over at the guy I was currently pinning over. (And let's be real - the entirety of my non-existent love life has been me pointlessly pinning over some dude.) The word "wait" popped into my mind. I needed to wait. I can honestly say I did wait, and I still am. For who or what - I have no idea. But I know God still has me in this "waiting" stage.

Another time, it was over a period of several weeks when verses from the book of 1 John kept on appearing in my life. In chapel, in class, conversations with friends, etc. Over and over again I was being reminded of how I needed to love people. While, yes, it was everyone's calling to love one another. It was a specific calling to me and my life, and it was what God wanted me to do. I'm not sure how well I succeed in this, and I view it slightly differently now than I did back then. But, it's something I have taken to heart. Enough to even have the phrase from Les Miserables tattooed upon my arm "To love another person is to see the face of God."

A third, was when I sat at the church where I worship now, years ago, and I looked across the aisle to a friend of mine and the words "This is your church family" popped into my mind. It was strange, because this friend and I weren't necessarily all that close yet. We had the same circles of friends and spent time together, but we weren't quite friends with each other yet. Now, almost a decade later, I do see her as my church family. She's the one I seek out each Sunday morning and we sit in our little section. She's the one I go out to lunch with when worship is done. We talk and text through the week and miss one another when the other can't make it on Sunday morning.

So, I know there is communication with God, and he speaks to us sometimes.

Now, there is silence.

Part of me wants to say God and I have been giving each other the cold shoulder, but I don't think that's quite it. It's not like he and I had a big disagreement and decided to stop talking over a grudge.

It's more like two friends who have lost touch. Not because neither one cared. But because someone moved away, or started a new job, or began a relationship. You keep meaning to have that Skype call or that coffee date... but it never happens. Yet, you know the other one is still there, ready with open arms whenever you do have time.

Maybe that's a bad way of looking at a relationship with God... but there it is.

I know my salvation isn't based on how often I pray and go to church - so please save the Lutheran lecture of "by grace alone..."

I've been reading a lot of Lauren F Winners this year, and in her book Girl Meets God, this is the part of the relationship she would describe as "brushing your teeth next to each other." You're no longer fascinated with each other and every little move you make, finding everything exciting and new. It's that time when you go through your routine, and brush your teeth next to each other. We know all of each others stories (or think we do) so the day is filled with silence. You're both there, but it's not quite the same. Not good or bad, But there it is.

One of my closest friends is in the stage of her faith where she's falling in love with God. I hear her talking about how she's reading the Bible in a year for the first time, all of the things she's learning, what she's praying and thinking about, sharing with me the worship songs which have touched her heart. I love hearing her talk about these things, and it makes me miss the openness and wonder I used to have.

As I read Girl Meets God a couple of months ago, I came across this:

"I am not sure that I have the passion to fall in love with a religion again. How to fall in love is not, now, what I need to learn. What I need to learn, maybe what God wants me to learn, is the long grind after you've landed." 

As much as part of me wants to be back in that passionate love again, I read this quote and feel a resounding "yes... that is me."

Then, in the book written by her which I'm reading now, Still, she expresses how she had stopped praying as well.

"I can paint my walls with slogans about staying faithful to the spiritual disciplines, about formation and habits to carry you through, about how wonderful it is that we Episcopalians have this great incomparable liturgy that keeps us tethered to prayer when our own heart's awandering, but the simple truth is that when you don't know what you believe and you don't know where you are or you think you've been deluded or abandoned or you've glutted yourself with busyness and you are hiding from yourself or the day has just been too long - if that is who and how you are, prayer sounds like a barefoot hike from Asheville to Paris; it would be nice if you got there, you are sure there is a nice glass of wine and a nice slice of brie waiting for you at some cafe somewhere, but there is really no way you can imagine actually making the walk."

When I read the words of her books, I can imagine she and I being friends sitting down side by side, sharing our experiences and thoughts on faith. Neither of us truly having any answers or ways out of the rut we're in. But nodding our heads in agreement saying "yes, I know what you're talking about."

There's a certain camaraderie in simply understanding the questions and knowing someone else has gone through the same thing, even if they can't answer the questions. It is it's own special sort of comfort.

I'm not sure the purpose of writing all of this is. I think, I read about someone with whom I could relate when it came to this topic, and I wanted to share that "hey... this is me." Maybe someone else will be able to say the same thing.

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What I Miss

Another Lent and Easter has come and gone. Growing up old school Lutheran, the church seasons have always been one of the ways I mark passing time. We start with Advent, then Christmas, Epiphany, Lent, and now we're in Easter. 

I went with my mom, sister, and her mother-in-law to the church where I grew up. If I remember correctly, the last time I had gone to a service there was last Easter, since I was working during Christmas. I still go to church, but at another location. 

As I sat in the pew and sang the old familiar hymns, I couldn't help but wonder when the last time I was genuinely joyful to be at a service. I could't remember.

In fact, I can't even remember the last time I legitimately prayed. Not just praying with the congregation on Sunday morning or with my family over meals. Really sat down and had a conversation with God.

If I'm being brutally honest, I think it was back when I lived in Missouri. I moved away from there going on three years ago.

Even when I worked in the church, I could see it happening to me. My personal Bible reading was becoming less frequent. My prayers were shorter. The songs I sang were half hearted. The years after I graduated college, something began to change in me.

Don't misunderstand me. It's not a crisis of faith- per say. I still believe. In fact, in ways I believe in Jesus, grace, faith, scripture, forgiveness, etc. more than I used to. I also don't want you to take this as me not loving the church congregation I'm a part of. I do. It's a wonderful place, I love going, and I love the people there. It's what I need right now.

But praying? Having joy in worship? Reading my Bible just because? It's just not there, and I don't know why. 

And I miss it. But I also don't.

I don't miss the guilt I used to have about worrying if I hadn't prayed or read my Bible enough. I don't miss feeling like I had to be sitting in the church building every single Sunday or else I'd be a bad Christian. I don't miss feeling the obligation to run around everywhere yelling about Jesus and how much he loves you and wants you to convert and be baptized RIGHT NOW. I don't miss telling teenagers what I felt the synod wanted me to tell them.

I do miss the joy though. I miss going to a service and not critiquing everything I see or hear. I miss the curiosity I had about scripture and wanting to dig in more and more and learn all that I could. I miss wanting to go to a Bible study or small group to talk about faith with my friends. I miss the days when I could pray saying "Papa God" and not feeling like an idiot for saying it. I miss when I could journal for pages and pages on my thoughts on a certain verse. 

I know my faith isn't dependent on how I'm feeling, or how much I pray, or how much I read. Thank God!

I also like how my views have grown and changed and matured. I'm glad I'm not the girl I was back in high school and college. 

But I do miss the joy.