College

10 Things I've Learned My First 10 Years Out of College

Yup. You read that correctly. As of this month, I will have been out of college for 10 years. 

Yes, I am now old. I'll be checking out the early bird special for dinner today and going to bed at a decent hour so I can be up in the morning. 

Well... technically I graduated in 2009 because I was in a five year program. However, that 5th year was a year long internship where I worked full-time and didn't step foot into a classroom except MAYBE once or twice. That internship became my full time job after that year was over and... it was basically the same. By the time I graduated, it felt like just a formality. Therefore, I always see 2008 as my "graduation."

Seeing everyone's graduation photos from the last couple of weeks (more will be coming since here in Chicago school doesn't get out until June!) and going back to the neighborhood where I went to college a couple of weekends ago, it's made me quite nostalgic for those days. I had a lot of fun those four years on campus, but I also realize more and more that I am no longer that girl. My friends from that time and I joke a lot about "if 18 year old us could see us now..." because they'd probably be completely shocked. 

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1. It's Okay to be Pretty

For some reason, when I was younger I had this weird idea in my head that to care about looking pretty meant I was shallow. I refused to learn how to do my makeup, I didn't know what kind of shampoo and conditioner to use, my clothes were... okay, but yet I still wanted to be seen as pretty. I also didn't tell this to anyone.

I'm not entirely sure what was preventing me. Because in my mid-twenties I had a revelation that... hey... I was pretty. (Who knew?) Once I realized this, I treated myself that way, and I've never looked back. This could actually be an entire blog post, but I haven't found the right way to go about writing it yet.

I'm not saying that you need to wear makeup, purchase designer clothes, or spend all of your time primping in the mirror. I know many  confident, beautiful women (inside and out) who have no desire to do any of these things, and don't. Which is amazing! But if you do like to do those things - go for it. 

You are beautiful and it is okay to treat yourself as such.

 

2. Save Money

For real though. This is a lesson I'm constantly having to learn. I don't make a ton of money, and there are months when things get super tight on the wallet with bills, student loans, and life in general. 

But there are many times when I look back and I'm all "you know... if I had saved up a bit more and simply put away even just $20 each paycheck..." I would have much more financial freedom. 

I know, it's super easy to take that $20 and spend it on a book or put it on my Starbucks card (at least those are my go-to's), but in the long run you'll be thankful. 

 

3. It's Okay to not be Married with a Baby on the Way by the Age of 23

So... went to a conservative Lutheran University. Basically, everyone was all about getting married right after graduation and settling down right away. (I've heard this trend disappeared not long after I graduated - thankfully!) This is a pretty common thing at Christian schools for some reason. 

I never dated in college, and was always thinking something was wrong with me because I didn't have a boyfriend and wasn't planning my wedding. Most people my age were going to weddings towards the end of their 20s and early 30s. A majority of the weddings I attended were before I was the age of 25 because EVERYONE was getting married the second they graduated. I wasn't on that track, so clearly something had to be wrong. (Read more about it here.

Looking back... I'm so glad I never ended up with the guys I liked back then. They were great guys and are still some of my friends, don't get me wrong. But they were for sure not the ones for me. 

Even some of my friends who did get married young look back and think "what was I thinking?" I was talking to one such friend a few years ago and she was like "I was so crazy back then!" She's happily married to her college boyfriend and have a great relationship. But she said that there was zero reason for them to be in such a hurry to tie the knot. They could have waited a little longer and been just fine. 

Yeah, I've been doing the online dating thing now and putting myself out there because that's something I do want someday. But, I'm much more in a place of "I'd rather be alone than with the wrong man." I don't want to get married and have kids just for the sake of having that "status."

 

4. Sometimes You Have to Talk About the Uncomfortable Stuff

This was something I was figuring out towards the end of my years in school, but it's definitely come home for me since then. I never wanted to talk about topics like racism, sex, inequality, etc. Part of it I think was myself genuinely being naive and thinking that some of these weren't issues. Part of it was my own ignorance. Part of it was just me being dumb. When I think back on classroom conversations (particularly about racism) I'm embarrassed and ashamed of how I responded. 

But we have to talk about these things sometimes.

I'm glad I have friends I can open up to and share things I used to be embarrassed about before. I have people in my life who have taught me how some of my views were wrong and I'm learning to take those steps to correct them. I've been learning I can talk about my disability and learn more about it, even if it isn't the most fun of topics. I've learned to have the courage to speak up about certain things even though I know I'll have the unpopular opinion.

Just this past week, there was some personal body things that had to do with my disability I've been wondering about, and finally posted on a women's forum for my disability about it. I got some awesome responses and a couple other women commented saying that they were glad I brought it up because they had the same question.

Yeah, some conversations are uncomfortable, but you need to have them anyway.

 

5. Keep Writing and Keep Creating

I'm a creative and a lover of stories at heart. (In case you haven't noticed.) I've been writing my whole life, and when I'm not working on a book... there's something missing in my life.

But, it's about being creative in general. The first few years out of college, my co-workers kept on encouraging me to try out for the local community theatre since they knew I had studied theatre in school. It took me a couple of years, but I was so glad once I did. It was the creative release I'd been craving and didn't even realize it. I was happier and more energized than I'd been in months.

Creativity and the arts are part of who I am, and if I want to keep my mental health, they need to be part of my life.

 

6. Go on the Trip, but Pick who you Travel with Carefully

I wish I could travel more than I do! But, I've gone to a fair amount of places since graduating college. Some for work, some for fun. San Antonio, New Orleans, NYC, Orlando, Orange County, Joplin, Selma, etc. I love exploring new places, meeting new people, and having these great experiences. Sometimes, you just have to take the plunge and say "I'm going there" and just do it. 

But, I've also learned that who you travel with can make or break a trip. I'm the type of person where I don't care so much about what I'm doing, but rather who I'm doing it with. You can be great friends with a person, but not be great travel companions. 

 

7. Internet Friends are Real Friends

Post college I discovered the Internet. 

Not that I didn't know what it was or never used it - I'm a Millennial. Obviously, I did. My generation invented Facebook.

But it was after college where really learned about THE INTERNET. I started a blog, joined a couple of blogging sites (Rest in Peace, 20sb), and BOOM. A whole new world opened up before me. I started to use Twitter, then later Pinterest and Instagram and  YouTube and all of the other things. What surprised me the most was how I made friends.

REAL friends. 

Whenever people start to diss on social media and how it doesn't actually connect people,  I shut it down right away. Some of my closest friends I've made as an adult have been because of social media and blogging. It all started with a comment on their site, or replying to them on Twitter, then moving onto direct messages and texts. Some of them I've met in real life (and traveled with!), some I haven't. They're all awesome and fantastic. 

 

8. Like What You Like

For way too much of my life, I worried about what people thought of me. I wouldn't stand up for the things I enjoyed, or I thought others would like down on me because something I read or watched or listened to wasn't "good enough."

F*** that. 

Life is too short to be worrying about other judging you because you like something. Read the fluffy romance novel. Listen to an obscene amount of Glee music if you think it's fun. Watch The Bachelor and soak in all of the DRAMA. Who cares? 

 

9. Ambivert is a Real Thing

Yeah... this sounds slightly random, but once I heard about this, I kinda changed my life. I've always thought of myself as an extrovert. I'm loud, outgoing, and usually like people. Thus, extrovert, right?

WRONG.

I once worked with someone who was an EXTREME extrovert and we were so different from one another. When I was ready to calm down and hide away from the world, they'd still be rolling and have a ton of energy. There are times I don't want to be around people and simply want to sit at home with my dog and a book. 

Or, I find there are days I'm super shy. Or I don't know what to talk about. Or I get anxious about going out. I'd spent so much time with people who were true extroverts, I was used to all of these big social situations and realized I was just along for the ride. I wasn't the one who was making the new connections and making things happen. It was my other friends and it just rubbed off on me. Once I wasn't with those friends anymore... I didn't know how to be an extrovert anymore either.

Yet, I didn't fit in with the introvert side either. I'm not super quiet, I do like being around others, and too much alone time makes me stir crazy.

So what was I?

Enter, ambivert

I didn't have to be one or the other! I'm both. Just... sometimes having that definition for something is a relief and I'm not just wondering if I'm crazy.

 

10. I Don't Need to Worry About How Things "Should" Be

I should be married by now.

I should have kids.

My career should be in a certain place by a certain age.

I should be living in a certain place.

I should like these types of books.

I should go out more.

I should go out less.

My body should look a certain way.

I should have "experience" in certain things by now.

If you look this way/believe this one religion/dress a certain way/live in this area/have this orientation/etc then you should...

You know what I say?

F*** that.

We spend far too much time worrying about how things "should" be instead of accepting how and who we are. We compare ourselves to people around us thinking that our lives aren't how they "should" be yet. 

Sometimes, your life will look different than another persons. Even if you are very similar in a way. If you're a white straight Christian woman living in the suburbs, your life is going to look different than the other white straight Christian woman living in the suburbs next door.

And that's okay. 

You be you.

 

So... what life lessons have you learned over the last few years? Anyone else looking back on 10 years since graduating?


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How Small Christian Universities Messed Up My View of Love and Marriage

Note: This post originally was originally published at: http://www.lovewokemeupthismorning.com/2012/01/how-small-christian-universities-messed.html on January 18, 2012.

Once, I came across a blog post via The Good Women Project. Then, as I tend to do with posts I like, I shared it on Facebook. Holy crap that started a discussion.

If you want, you can read the post here. It turns out, a lot of my single friends (and some of my married friends, actually) really resonated with this post. One of my friends who was part of the conversation added how she felt it was about letting God have control, singleness isn't the problem, and how God did bring her her husband but she would have been fine if he hadn't. She then asked me this question: "I think being at [the name of our university] warped our views on this topic? Where single = unhappy, married = unhappy? Your thoughts?"

The short answer?

YES!

The long answer?

When I was 13 I started to read The Christy Miller Series. Spoiler alert: in the end, Christy marries the guy she fell for when she was 14 just after she graduates college.

When I was in high school, I started going to a youth group where most of the leaders were college students who went to a conservative Christian university in the city. Most of them also dated each other and got married soon after graduating college.

I had friends from youth group who went away to a Christian college in another part of the country. They were there one year and got engaged at the age of 19. Apparently, so many people were getting engaged at this school it was becoming an "epidemic" and couples had to get approval from the university to get married.

At the end of the summer after my senior year of high school, and I was preparing to leave for a small, conservative, Lutheran university, I visited another youth group where some of my friends with. One girl told me: "Emily, I just know you are going to meet your husband in college."

I then go to college. As a naive, impressionable, Jesus-loving, 18 year old girl, I got one message pounded into my brain:

YOU ARE GOING TO MEET YOUR FUTURE HUSBAND AT FRESHMAN CAMP!!!!!!!!

This was written all over the sidewalks and on posters around campus. I'm not even joking. Freshman camp is the weekend before classes begin the fall semester. Granted, the Orientation, Transfer, and Camp staffs (O-staff, T-staff, and Camp Staff) all told us they wrote those things in jest. However... it kind of wasn't a joke.

Through the next four years I saw countless students dating each other freshman year and then getting a ring put on their finger by junior or senior year. Heck, when I was 18, I was in a play where one of my cast mates got married over Christmas break. We would always joke around about getting our MRS degree at graduation. My sophomore year I lived on a small floor filled where a majority of the girls were (A) engaged, (B) in a serious relationship, or (C) pregnant. 

The message that you had to get married to your college sweetheart because that's what good Christian girls do was loud and clear. 

So where would that leave the girls on campus, like myself, who always found themselves boy-friendless? My single friends and I had countless conversations about waiting for the right guy, how God has a plan, and learning how we need to "give our singleness to the Lord". Sometimes we even put on a very convincing facade that we were 100% okay with being single in a sea of engaged couples.

But it wasn't OK.

I just can't help but wonder why this is such a big trend in conservative Christian circles. Nothing is wrong with marrying young. Heck, I grew up in the Boy Meets World generation where Cory and Topanga were the ideal couple.

Looking back, I'm glad I never dated any of the guys I was interested in during my college years. Not that they weren't great guys, they were, and some I am still friends with. But I remember when I was 18 I thought that if I dated one of them that I would have to marry him. That's completely ridiculous. Why this pressure to marry right away? What if that's not God's plan for you? What if you never marry? What if you marry after the age of 25? (Yes - in some circles being 25 and single makes you an old maid.) Does this make you a "bad Christian?" Does this make you less of a person? Does it mean that married = happy, and single = unhappy? I don't think so. 

I also feel like most people would agree with me. 

So why this trend? I would love to hear your thoughts.

*Please note, that this is not a bash against Christy Miller, the youth leaders I had in high school, the university I attended, or people who marry young. Christy Miller is one of my all time favorite book series. My youth leaders helped me grow in my faith in so many ways. I had an awesome college experience. I have several close friends who married young and are amazing people whose friendships I would never want to loose.