Writers Self-Care

I'm not good at staying healthy and taking care of my body. I don't have a regular exercise routine, I don't pre-plan my meals or stick to a diet, and depending on my work schedule I either get too little sleep, or too much. 

What possessed me to open up Yoga With Adrienne on YouTube on my days off this week, I have no idea.

But you know what? It felt good. I loved being able to stretch out, get a work out in, and focus my mind to prepare for the day. 

Years back, I had gotten into the habit of doing yoga almost everyday, but then I randomly skipped a day and it all went downhill from there. Once you break a habit it's hard to get it back. I learned that the hard way the last few months when I took December off from writing my novel. Getting back into the habit of sitting down and writing has been difficult to say the least. 

A few days ago, I was talking with one of my critique partners and she was saying how essential her daily writing sessions have been for her life, and hated the idea of having to give them up for other things through the day. For most of us writers, getting in our daily writing time is hard because it's such an isolated thing. Particularly if you aren't getting paid for it. It seems selfish and guilt sets in.

On the Writing Excuses Podcast, Brandon Sanderson continually encourages writers to not feel this way, because our writing is an essential part of who we are and how we take care of ourselves. He says that when someone has a daily run or a weekly basketball league they go to, no one ever is like "Well, you're never going to be a professional basketball player or Olympic athlete so why bother?" We should have the same attitude towards our writing. Even if it doesn't pay you anything, that doesn't mean it's not important. 

It's just like me trying to fit yoga into my schedule. I could see the difference in my day after having that time to clear my head and take care of myself. 

A lot of times, I feel like people tend to look down and make fun of the self care trends. At least in the circles I run in. It's seen as excuses to go shopping, take a bubble bath, or binge watch something on Netflix. 

I'm not saying that those things aren't part of self care. They totally can be! But that's not all it is. Sometimes, you simply need to recharge and do something for yourself in order to help others and be more productive. Writing, reading, working on a creative project, and yes - sometimes binge watching something on Netflix - and taking care of your mind and spirit are just as an important part of self-care as physical exercise and diet are. 

But, sometimes we creative types need to take a break from those things too. 

Camp NaNoWriMo is starting up in April, and people all over the world will get to work on various writing projects. I've heard stories of writers not sleeping and forgetting to eat because they're so engrossed in what they're working on. Some writers will lie on the floor and mope because they can't figure out what to do next and think they're failures. 

But, there are moments when we use these activities as an excuse to not do other important things. That's not good either. 

A blog friend of mine, Brittany, wrote about "Adulting as Self-Care" the other day and how she might not like grocery shopping, but she likes the stability of knowing she and her family have food and are provided for. 

Sometimes you have to do some things you don't like in order to take care of yourself. We have to work a job we aren't in love with all of the time in order to get a paycheck. We have to sit down and pay our bills on time. We need to eat. We need to sleep. If what you're working on is stressing you out too much, focus on something else for a bit. You need stability and food on the table too.

I had the privilege of going to a night with Lin-Manuel Miranda at a theatre a year or two ago. (Yes, I was in the room where it happened. Sorry - couldn't resist!) He did a Q&A with the audience and someone asked "How do you respond when you want to pursue the arts and people tell you to get a real job?"

His response?

"That's good advice."

Yeah, I was slightly surprised too. But, his explaination made sense. 

He said that you should always do what you love, but you also need to pay your bills. You need to have health insurance. You need groceries. You need to take care of your family. Even if he didn't have the success he does now, he'd still be writing musicals because it's what he loves. But, he also would be working as a music substitute teacher to be sure that he and his family were taken care of.

Or there are the times when we focus too much on it. As important as making your creative projects a regular habit is, sometimes you need a break from your self-care.

There are a lot of moments when I get so engrossed in writing, that is stresses me out, and I see other parts of my life suffer because of it. I don't spend time with people I care about because I just have to get this chapter done, or I'll eat junk food all of the time because it's easier to eat at the keyboard, and I'll cut back on the hours I sleep because I need more time in the day to get my word count in for the day. 

Those aren't always good things either. 

Or no matter what it is you do in life, it doesn't have to be just writing or being creative. If you aren't taking care of yourself, how can you do anything else well? It's all balancing act. 

Just some random thoughts I've been having on the subject lately. How do you balance self-care and also being sure you're productive? Also, I highly recommend a blog a friend of mine started called Help Mama Mediate. While it is for mom's and mediation (I'm not one, and I don't meditate really) she still discusses a lot with self-care and has some awesome tips and advice for being sure you take time out for yourself. 

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Why Representation in Media Matters (To Me)

It's Saturday night and I hop into my car after seeing the movie, Love, Simon. It's no secret I'm a Becky Albertalli fangirl. I've read the book, Simon vs the Homo Sapiens Agenda five times, have cried over The Upside of Unrequited, pre-ordered Leah on the Offbeat, and I met Becky at YallFest in 2016. (Twice. She follows me on Twitter now and patiently and kindly puts up with all of my flailing.) The movie was all I had hoped it would be. Of course there were a couple of minor tweaks I would have made, but nothing that ruined my enjoyment and appreciation of it. I laughed and cried and one of the best moments was when the theater erupted in applause at the big romantic scene towards the end. Nothing could warm my heart more. 

Thank goodness for friends who don't judge too harshly when a grown woman gushes about her "precious baby Simon" and how she wants to "squish his cheeks and give him a hug." 

As I opened up "Simon's Playlist" on Spotify and drove home, I couldn't help but think about how glad I am this movie and book exists. There are so many kids (and adults) who will, and already, have gotten so much out of it. I think of the friends I've known who are somewhere on the LGTBQIA+ spectrum and how much media like this would have meant to them when we were in high school.

Because while Simon is one of my favorite books and I loved the movie - this story isn't for me. It's for them. I'm so happy they have it.

As I drove, my mind wandered to the books, movies, and TV shows that are for me. The ones that deal with the types of representation which would reflect who I am. I've talked about this topic before and more of my personal reasons for representation in media on my now abandoned YouTube channel. It was in response to a video My Name is Marines made, which was much better done than mine. 

I want to revisit this topic, but here on my blog. My video was fine, but not as good as I want it to be, and I tend to write out my thoughts better than speaking them sometimes. Go figure. 

For a long time, I purposely avoided anything which featured a character who had a disability because whenever I saw any, it was terrible. The character had no depth, all they ever talked or thought about was their disability (sorry, I don't wake up thinking about it every single morning), and they were always this weird-perfect-better than everyone else-someone we should all aspire to be- and only existed to be inspirational-being.

No thanks.

I also never saw a character who had a condition I could fully connect with. They would be blind, or deaf, or permanently in a wheelchair, and I was none of those things. I have Osteogenesis Imperfecta which basically means I break my bones a lot and have short stature. (I'm 4'2.) For most of my childhood, I had braces and a walker. Then in jr. high I didn't need braces anymore, but we did get a wheelchair because that was an easier and safer way for me to travel long distances and to carry my books through the school hallways. Even then, I wasn't in it permanently. And none of the characters I saw had short stature the way I did. Then, when shows like Little People, Big World, came out, I was able to connect with them on a certain level. But we have completely different conditions, so it still didn't quite fit the bill.

As I thought about it, I realized it went deeper than this though. Part of me felt I wasn't allowed to enjoy media featuring disabilities. 

My strongest memory stemming to this is from the 1996 summer Olympics. Naturally, all of us kids were excited about it and all summer talked about our favorite Olympians and moments. One day, I was with some of my friends and we were listing our favorite gymnasts. My answer was Kerri Strug. 

The other girls, who were very familiar with my disability and all of my injuries which sent me to the ER several times a year, rolled their eyes and said "you only like her because she got hurt."

Embarrassed, I tried to defend myself by saying that I also thought she was a good gymnast. But it was no use. Already, my opinion was regarded as not valid. 

I wish someone had told me "So what if you only like her because, like you, she's experienced extreme pain but also had to keep going and push through it?" 

Because it's a completely valid reason to admire someone.

Yes, I understand we were in fourth grade and kids can be ridiculous. But, we also can't deny that sometimes what appears to be the smallest things from childhood stick with us for a long time. Even in college my friends would tease me about my love of Snow White, and said it was only because the dwarfs were short like me.

Later in my 4th grade year, I picked up a book called Midnight in the Dollhouse by Marjorie Filley Stover.  It was a novel about a young girl living in post-Civil War time and broke her hip, then during the healing process was confined to her bed for three months. To pass the time, her family got her a set of small dolls and a dollhouse for her to play with. (Of course, the dolls came to life and had adventures.) This book ticked so many boxes for me. I was an avid reader of the American Girl books, so historical fiction was my jam. Then, I loved to play with my dolls and create elaborate stories for them. But on top of it, was a character I could connect to. 

A majority of my childhood was spent with broken bones, having to stay in bed for long periods of time, and needing to find something to do. I remember I was even excited because when the character healed, her left leg ended up being slightly shorter than her right leg. I had the same thing!

While she didn't have the exact same situation as I did, for the first time I had a character I could see myself in. I didn't even realize how much I was craving for a story where I could say "me too!" until I read one.

But, I never tried to seek any more out. Maybe I thought it was a fluke, and for the most part, it kind of has been. Because whenever I did see or read something with a character who had a disability, it wasn't done well.

How awesome it would have been for me to read a book about a kid with braces on their legs. Or now as an adult to read a book about a character with a disability and it doesn't end with them dying, or moaning and groaning about their situation all of the time, or being so perfect and inspirational it's impossible to connect.

Which, we are coming along in that area. But we still have so far to go.

Then, I think about all of the other areas in my life I could see more in media. A big example was when I read The Upside of Unrequited by Becky Albertalli. The premise is about a teenage girl who has had 26 crushes, but never a boyfriend. 

As a perpetually single person, this book resonated with me on a deeper level than I had anticipated. She expressed feelings and insecurities I had back then, and even now as an adult, when it comes to relationships I never fully admitted to myself. So often we read stories about people who are in relationships and have had relationships as though it's assumed EVERYONE has had these experiences. I want more stories about the rest of us.

Or, when I read Georgia Peaches and Other Forbidden Fruit  by Jaye Robin Brown. It was so refreshing to see a book featuring characters who are Christian - but also aren't complete jerks like you usually do. AND it wasn't a "Christian" book either. (Don't even get me started on Christian books.)

Or books about sisters.

And platonic friendships.

 And healthy families. 

It's amazing how even us writers tend to write awful stories about writers. (Example - Rory writing her book in Gilmore Girls:  Year in the Life. I rolled my eyes so hard it hurt.) 

Then, there's also the point of that we don't have to be like a character in order to learn from the story. When I go back to Simon vs the Homo Sapiens Agenda, I think of how much I learned and connected to the book. No, I'm not a gay teenage boy. I have no idea what that's like, I'll never have to come out to my family, or experience someone blackmailing me about my sexuality. But, there were still so many other elements of the book that I could relate to when I was in high school, and I was able to see something from a different point of view. 

That's the beauty of storytelling. We see through someone else's eyes. 

I've been watching a lot of Queer Eye on Netflix lately, and so much of it is about just this. People who are completely different from one another learning from each other. 

There's power in learning and seeing the perspective of someone different than you are.

And there's power in seeing yourself in a story. Just think of all of the black kids right now who are watching Black Panther and feeling empowered by it. Think of all of the women who felt the same when they watched Wonder Woman.

That's why representation matters.

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Reading, Watching, Listening

I have been feeling particularly lazy the last couple of months. All I want to do when I get home from work is change into sweatpants, make tea, and watch Netflix. I should be writing, building relationships with other writers, making plans with friends, finding new bloggers to follow, etc. 

But nope. Even on my days off and I make all of these grand plans to be SUPER PRODUCTIVE, I end up reading a book and watching TV. Sometimes I'll get out of the house to run errands. 

I blame winter. 

On Thursday, Helene In Between did a "Reading, Watching, and Listening" post, and I thought I'd steal the idea for this week!

Reading

You'll get my usual end of the month reading-round up next week. So, I won't go into too much detail here.

Glamour in Glass by Mary Robinette Kowal

This is the second book in her Glamourist Histories novels where it's basically Jane Austen with magic. They're so cute and charming and it really feels like I've jumped into an Austen novel. Just you know... they have magic too. 

An Extraordinary Union by Alyssa Cole

I've heard so many good things about this #ownvoices historical romance that takes place during the Civil War. It's about a former slave who is actually a spy for the Union and can I say YES PLEASE??? Sign me up to read that!

The Sense and Disability Blog

A friend of mine recommended this blog to me and I LOVE it already! She reviews romance books that feature characters who have disabilities. Already I've found two new authors because of this blog and I can't wait to read more! I squeal with excitement every time a new blog post hits my inbox. 

Watching

Winter is perfect for binge watching TV, am I right?

Gilmore Girls

Usually, I like to have a TV show I'm familiar with playing in the background at home while I'm getting other things accomplished. Cleaning, writing, reading, etc. I hate having it too quiet! With a TV show I know well, I don't have to be fully paying attention because I can jump in at any moment and not be lost. That was what Gilmore Girls was SUPPOSED to be after I finished my re-watch of Friends. 

However, I've been legitimately watching it. It's just so charming I can't help myself!

The Marvelous Mrs. Maizel

I know, I'm late to the party! But I finally decided to do an Amazon Prime free trial and this was at the top of my list of things to watch. (Cause you know... same people who created Gilmore Girls...) Everyone has been right in saying how funny and awesome it is!

Riverdale

Only the first season is on Netflix but oh goodness I'm addicted! I love this re-imagining of the classic comic (even though I literally know nothing about the original) and the murder mystery is so compelling. Yes, it's a pretty typical CW teen drama with a dash of murder mystery. But still. SO GOOD. I need season 2 on Netflix immediately because I'm too behind to watch it as it airs on TV.

The Bachelor

Yes, I'm one of those people who watches The Bachelor and The Bachelorette every single week. I just have to know who Arie picks! Even though I know a few weeks after the final rose episode they'll break up. But, one can hope it'll actually last this time... right? 

The Bachelor Winter Games

Judge me all you want. I judge myself. But it's a train wreck you just can't look away from. There's only been one episode and there's so many tears already! Will Ashley FINALLY find love and not be "friend-zoned????" THIS COULD BE HER SEASON! Let's be real- that's the real story behind these Bachelor spin-offs. Is it weird I'm kinda rooting for her in spite of all of the tears? I think it's because I'm secretly like her... but I don't think I cry as much. 

Listening

The Greatest Showman Soundtrack

Like the rest of the world, I've fallen in love with The Greatest Showman. I'm a musical theatre nerd - what can I say? Yes, there are some problematic elements, and yes it's not completely accurate as to how PT Barnum really was and how the circus really was/is, etc. But I've seen the movie twice and it makes me laugh and cry and I get chills and ZAC EFRON and the music is just SO SO GOOD. If you ever need a pick-me-up, this album will definitely put you in good spirits. I also learned that the music goes perfectly while reading The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern.

Demi Lovato's album Tell Me You Love Me

I've never been a huge fan of Demi Lovato. I've never had anything against her, and when a song of hers comes on the radio I don't turn the station or anything like that. Just, for some reason I never got into her music. But when Tell Me You Love me came out last year I heard someone raving about it and thought I'd check it out.

OH MY GOODNESS now I can't stop. It's awesome inspiration for my Vampire Snow White novel. It's full of girl-power, but also really sexy, but also vulnerable. Just.... aaaaahhhhhhhhhhh. How was I not a Demi Lovato fan before now? 

The Snark Squad Podcast

I've been following The Snark Squad blog ever since their early days of commenting on The Babysitters Club and Sweet Valley High. We have a long-term relationship. Naturally, when they released a podcast I was on it ASAP.

It's PERFECT. 

In fact, their episode about Riverdale was what inspired me to watch the show, and their episode about Star Wars was completely delightful. If you like snark and pop culture, you HAVE to listen. 

What have you been reading/watching/listening to lately? Anything I should check out?

What to do About Dating Part 3: Story Time

I've been doing some heavier topics with dating the last couple of week. So, let's lighten things up a bit, shall we? 

I've been told that I have some of the most outrageous stories when it comes to my limited online dating experiences. I may not think they're a big deal, or that perhaps they're "normal." But when I tell them my friends start to have a strange look on their face and ask "he did/said what?"

So, here's one of my "classic" stories friends always want me to share when people ask about my online dating experiences.

The Forest Preserve Guy

Please note:  names have been changed to preserve privacy.

It was a few years ago in the early spring. I'd moved back to Chicago and was working part-time at a preschool. It was a new start to my life, so I decided it was a good time to jump into online dating. I'd attempted it (barely) in the past, but I needed to ACTUALLY try. 

I found him on an app and he had a great opening line. He noticed I mentioned in my profile that I used to work in youth ministry about how his dad was a pastor so he understood how much ministry could suck.

Someone who understood me! It was amazing!

We chatted on the app for a bit and quickly moved onto actual text messages. Sharing my phone number with a guy was brand new to me, so this was quite a brave and exciting step. We texted all weekend and had deep conversations. I'd waded through a ton of terrible conversations and sleezey men. This was a breath of fresh air.

He told me his name was Johnathan. I remember specifically asking him if he preferred John or Johnathan. He said Johnathan. (Yes, this is important.) Cool.

It just so happened later that week, a friend of mine was coming up to Chicago for a few days and was staying at a hotel somewhat around the area of where I worked. I always finished my shift around 1pm, and I had a couple of hours to spare before meeting her. So, in a surge of uncommon bravery, I texted Johnathan and asked if he was free and if he wanted to hang out. He said sure, and he was planning to take his dog to the dog park that afternoon and asked if I'd want to come.

I thought it was a great idea. I love dogs, and it's a slightly different first meeting/date from the usual coffee or drinks. 

I told him what time I was off work, he gave me the address, and I said how long it'd take me to get there.

The day came, I wore a cute (but not like I was trying too hard) outfit, and when I left work I punched the address into my GPS. I arrived slightly early, but still roughly about the time I said I would. However... this address did not look like a dog park.

It was a forest preserve with a large field across the street from a neighborhood. So... not tucked away and deserted or anything like that. But definitely not a dog park.

I decided not to panic. Since I'm directionally challenged and get lost all of the time, I figured I found the wrong place. So, I drove around a bit in search of the dog park. 

There was none to be found.

Eventually, I saw an elderly woman walking a dog. Surely, she knew where the dog park was! I pulled over and asked.

She said, "Well, there's the field by the forest preserve. BUT YOU HAVE TO HAVE YOUR DOG ON A LEASH!"

"Okay... thank you." 

I parked next to a house across the street and looked over at the open field as I texted Johnathan: I think I'm at the right place? It's a forest preserve.

He texted back. Oh! I didn't know you were already there! Give me ten minutes.

First of all,  I told him what time I'd be there. But... whatever.

Second of all, I was in the right place. The thought go through my mind:

AND THIS IS WHERE I GET MURDERED.

Naturally, as I waited I put on some lip gloss. Because apparently when you're about to get murdered you should also look cute. 

Please don't ask me why I stayed. I have no idea.

Sure enough, Johnathan arrived with with dog in tow and we hung out in the field. He apologized and said "Yeah... it's not really a dog park."

Yeah. I got that.

The date/meet-up itself wasn't that bad. Conversation wasn't amazing, but not weird or awkward as so many first dates can go. He seemed like a pretty nice guy. His dog was also adorable and she loved me.

But then.

He said, "By the way, my name isn't Johnathan. It's Dave."

Me:

Now, if I recall correctly, the app we had been using was one where you had a username. But he introduced himself when we chatted AND as you recall, I specifically asked him what he preferred to be called.

I understand wanting to be safe and all, but when you're at the point of texting and meeting up, that's also when you know someone by their ACTUAL name. Also, you don't tell someone you're going to a dog park when you're actually going to a forest preserve in a random open field.

I try to be nice and ask "So, is Johnathan your middle name or something and you just prefer it?"

"No, it's just a name I like to go by."

Oooooookkkkkkkaaaaaaayyyyy.....

JUST A NAME YOU RANDOMLY PICKED FOR YOURSELF YOU LIKE TO GO BY?

What? What? What? If you hate your name, then go get it changed to the one you like! 

We parted ways after a bit when it was time for me to meet my friend. I didn't hear from him after, and he didn't hear from me. Which, there was no reason he didn't text me. I was awesome. Not that I wanted him to text me, but still.

Until a few weeks later when he texted to say that he got a new place and wanted to see if I wanted to come over and watch Netflix.

About a year later, in the winter, I get a random Facebook message from him (Yes, on his Facebook, he has both names) and he wanted to see how I was and told me about the "crazy" girl he just broke up with.

Cool?

I haven't spoken to him since.

And that's just the tip of the ice berg when it comes to some of the weird stories I have. 

Anyone else have weird dating stories they want to share?

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What to do About Dating Part 2: Being Upfront

Honesty is one of the most important elements of any type of relationship. Whether it's dating, marriage, friendship, family, or even a hook-up. If people aren't honest about who they are and where they're at, there is bound to be trouble. 

It's the age old story. One person is there just for the night. The other person wants love and marriage. The discussion of what they really want never happened. They have a date and then the next day... I'm sure you know where this story is going, and it doesn't end well. 

If both parties had been more upfront about what they wanted and where they were at, a lot of heartache and drama could have been avoided. 

But, how do you approach these topics? When are you upfront about your life, and when is it okay to wait until later to bring up certain issues? 

Not long ago, a friend of mine on Twitter was discussing this topic of being upfront. (She gave me permission to reference this conversation for this post, by the way.) She is asexual, and was trying to figure out when you're starting to date someone is it appropriate to bring this up. The last I checked, there wasn't a box to check on OkCupid for "asexual." So... when do you talk about it? Before you meet? The first date? When you start to get physical? It's a really great thread and some awesome advice, so I highly suggest you clicking the link to check it out.

I'm not in the same situation, but I could get where she was coming from. While I'm not ace, I am a virgin. (Yes! We do still exist! We're like unicorns!) 

Some of the more detailed dating sites and apps do give you the opportunity to ask questions about this, but I've found that I still need to find a way to bring it up while getting to know a guy. So far, I haven't found a solution. 

Most of the time, the conversation ends up being them asking me personal questions about my past relationships, expecting me to explain myself, them thinking that I judge them for having a sexual past (By the way... I totally don't. As long as you're safe and everything is consensual, I don't care.), or it turning into an argument.

It's shocking to me how rare a reply such as "No need to explain yourself, it's your body and your choice and I respect that" happens. When it does, I'm pretty floored. 

Part of me hates that most of the time I have to bring this up before I even meet the guy. I don't want it to be an expectation or an automatic write-off. These aspects of someone's life are very personal, and if me, or someone like me, doesn't want to share right away, that should be okay. 

But at the same time, if that's what the other person wants, shouldn't they know this about me before anything happens? And if they're going to be a jerk about it, don't I want to know sooner rather than later?

I've found this to be an issue also when it comes to my disability. One of the very first dates I ever went on from an online app, I had talked to the guy for a couple of days and we met up for coffee. While, on my profile I had a fully-body photo, the guy didn't put together the pieces that I was small. (4'2 to be exact.) Let's just say... it was awkward. I learned the hard way that this is something I absolutely need to be clear about upfront. 

One of my favorite YouTubers, Sitting Pretty with Lolo, gives advice about online dating with a disability all of the time. She suggests while your first profile pic can be whatever you want, be sure that one of the next ones shows your disability. (If it's visible.) For Lolo, that would mean a picture in her wheelchair. For me, while the wheelchair on occasion is something I use, the bigger one for me is being sure I show my height.

Then, Lolo suggests being sure you mention it once in your profile, then move on. Thankfully, most apps and sites give an option for sharing your height. (Although, a couple have automatic options and they don't always go as low as I need, which is really frustrating.) Later, somewhere in my profile (among all of my other awesome attributes!) I mention that I have Osteogenesis Imperfecta. (OI) I've had a couple of interesting pick-up lines from that to be honest! 

I still make it a habit to mention it before I meet a guy to be on the safe side. It's usually awkward, and I don't always know how to bring it up. Most often this conversation goes better than the "hey I'm a virgin" one, but can still be awkward because I don't know how to weave it into conversation. Yet, I know I have to be upfront because once you meet me, there's no way of avoiding it.

I definitely want to go more into detail about dating and having a disability, but that's another topic for another time.

These are the two biggest topics I think about when it comes to being upfront about myself right away. But, there are so many other things too where it can be tricky figuring out how and when to bring it up. Smoking and drinking habits, if someone is divorced, if someone has kids, political views, etc. 

Frankly, if it's a good conversation I don't mind diving into some of the "real stuff" right away. But even then, a lot of these things can be incredibly personal, and I don't think someone should be forced to talk and share them before they're ready. But when dating, when is the appropriate time? 

I'd love to hear people's thoughts on this and how they've handled these things or give any insights. Sometimes I feel so silly asking these questions because I think I should have enough dating experience by now to have other thoughts. But, it is what it is, right? 

Right.

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Like what you read? Consider buying me a coffee. This simply helps me to offset costs (ex. paying for my website domain) so I can continue to create quality and professional content - along with you receiving my lifelong love and appreciation!

What to do About Dating Part 1: Standards

Valentines Day is coming up, so what better time than now to talk about dating?

In my case, it's more of a lack of dating, but not because I haven't tried. Swipe right, swipe left, trying to think of something clever to say, do I actually give this random guy my phone number, do we meet, where do we meet, what if we have nothing to talk about, what if he turns out to be a jerk... it's exhausting. 

The problem doesn't lie in meeting people from the internet. At least not for me. Thanks to blogging, YouTube, Twitter, Instagram, etc. I've gotten to know a ton of people through the Internet,  met them "in real life," and consider some to be dear friends.

With dating, there's so much more to sort through, jerks to avoid, and awkward conversations to endure.  Thankfully, the most recent app I've been using has updated their messaging system, and it's made things much better thus far. I'm avoiding a lot more of the guys I'm not interested in and able to focus on the ones I am. Hooray! 

But... that doesn't mean my problems are solved. Not by a long shot. It's high time I talked about them. 

Leading up to the big V-Day, I'm doing a 3 part series on my experiences with dating.

1. Standards
2. Being Upfront
3. Stories

This is by no means a series where I'm dishing out advice on how to make your dating profile amazing, what to do or what to talk about on dates, or the best pick up lines. I'm the last person for that.

This series is more about the thoughts I've been having when it comes to dating. Talking about the dilemmas I've faced. Sharing some funny stories. Things like that. 

As I write today's topic, I'm going to try and be as inclusive as I can. I will talk about being straight/cis woman/Christian because that is the particular perspective I come from and those are my experiences. However, I will still try to make this as relateable as possible no matter your orientation, gender, religion, etc. I'd love to hear different views and stories. So, feel free to share them in the comments, or email directly at eehornburg [at] gmail [dot] com. 

This also means you'll be getting a bonus blog post this week on Thursday with my January Reading Round-Up! (I wouldn't forget about that!) I also might have a bonus Flash Fiction story up on Friday. So, those of you who subscribe via email, your inboxes are going to be full this week!

The standards and expectations bring into relationships are fascinating. We all have images in our minds of what our partner will be like and set deal breakers for what will and will not work in a relationship. (Or hook up - whatever you're looking for!) What works for one person is a complete turn off for another and vise versa.

I wish I could tell you the pattern I have when it comes to swiping left or right. Some days, I'm stingy and don't like a single profile that comes across my screen. Other days, I'm in a generous mood and give almost every guy a chance. (I usually come to regret that later.) It feels so random and depends on my mood. 

I do have a few rules when it comes to giving a guy a chance. They're somewhat shallow like height (I'm 4'2... every guy towers over me, but even I have a limit), or I don't like the photo, if we have common interests, if they're hold a dog in their photo, how much they add in their profile, etc. But even with those things, there's still times I'll pass or accept and break these rules.

I guess they aren't really rules. More like guidelines.

I mean... just the other day I was chatting with a man who's profile said he was 6'5.

It makes me wonder, what is an actual deal breaker when it comes to dating and relationships? And when is it, if ever, okay to bend those rules we make for ourselves?

I'm not just talking about things like height, hair color, or if every single interest you have IS THE EXACT SAME. I'm talking about the big stuff. Religion, do you want a family, personalities complimenting each other, do you want the same things in life, politics, etc. 

The more I talk to men and swipe through the apps, the more I think about this, and how some of my deal breakers have changed. And if they should continue to change. 

Example:  a few years ago how someone voted may have played a role in who I was interested in, but ultimately, if they were a good person I was willing to be lenient if we didn't agree. Now, in light of the last few years, you bet your ass someone's political beliefs are a deal breaker for me. 

When we go into a relationship, compromises happen all of the time. I've seen them happen. One person vows they'll never get married or have children, then a few years later they're married with a baby. One person smokes but when they find someone they want a relationship with and they say "I don't date smokers" suddenly you see them with a nicotine patch on their arm. Another person may say that they never want to live with someone before they get married, but eventually move in with their partner before a ring is on their finger.

And all of these people are happy and comfortable with the choices they've made. 

So, what's the deal? When did they change their mind and how did they become comfortable with it?

For me, my big deal breaker has always been faith. I grew up in a traditional Lutheran household, went to a small Lutheran elementary school and university, worked in the church for five years, and always imagined I would end up with someone who shares the same faith as me.

But then, as I talk to guys, I've found I'm just as wary (if not more so) to try dating someone who is a Christian than those who aren't. A lot of times, it's the Christian men who have more of an issue with the fact that I have a disability (more on that at another time), and for the non-Christians it's totally fine. Or politically and socially I have more in common with the non-Christians than the Christians. (I'm not even talking about strictly Lutherans either.) I worry more about the Christian men judging due to the topics and characters I write about in my novels. It makes me wonder if I should open my sphere of men I should be interested in.

On the other hand, if my faith is something that is so important and such a large role in my life, is that something a future partner or spouse should share?

This doesn't have to be just about faith and religion - this simply is the big issue I personally come across. I'm sure people who aren't Christian, many times have the same questions about their own morals/ethics/standards/deal breakers as well.

As anyone would do, I took to the Internet with my question.

It struck up a great conversation, and I loved all of the comments and input I received. There are a lot of women just like me, who are strong Christians, but find dating to be a complete nightmare. Just hearing them say that they understood where I was coming from and were having the same issues as me was a tremendous comfort.

There were also, as I expected, people who encouraged me and shared Bible verses and experiences about dating other Christians. Then talked about praying about it and leaving it up to God. Which, I also appreciated and understood. I know the same verses and prayers and advice. Yet... it kinda of made me feel like Alexander Hamilton as he's rap battling with Thomas Jefferson.

And then I feel guilty for feeling this way - because I know they have the greatest of intentions and as I said, I totally get and see where they're coming from.

But, I see the people in my life that I know who married someone who doesn't share the same faith as them, and they're happy. It works for them. A friend privately messaged me and was like "you make compromises and religion was one of mine" and she's happy. When talking with another friend she said that yes, she thinks sharing that is what works best, but also that there's no harm in getting to know someone. There are a lot of people who marry those who don't share their faith. They're still Christian. They still go to church. The world hasn't ended.

Yet, I also had friends say that they would hate for me to let go of my standards and settle.

So, when is someone compromising and being realistic, and when is someone letting go of their standards and settling?

Okay... I know what some of you are thinking. "OMG WHO IS THE AMAZING GUY YOU MET THAT IS MAKING YOU CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS ON DATING?"

There is no one particular guy. I'm still single. I'm not seeing anyone specifically. 

Do I need to shout it for the people in the back? No? Okay, good.

These are simply thoughts I've been having as I fall down this rabbit hole of dating. I've been talking to a lot of different guys, and I've noticed there's a lot of them who don't fit that original image I had of who I'd want to end up with. Does that mean I don't give them a shot? I'm not sure.

Now, I ask you all, because I have zero answers or solutions. I'm sure ultimately, it's up to each individual person and couple. There is no one answer. But still, I'm curious.

What are your deal breakers when it comes to relationships? What are you willing to compromise? Have you found yourself changing your deal breakers as time goes on? What's surprised you about dating? Please, lend some insight to someone who hasn't given up on the idea of romance quite yet! 

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Like what you read? Consider buying me a coffee. This simply helps me to offset costs (ex. paying for my website domain) so I can continue to create quality and professional content - along with you receiving my lifelong love and appreciation!

If We Were Having Coffee

This is a blog topic which has been floating around the blogosphere for a few years now. (I think I first saw it on Mr. Thomas and Me, but I know a ton of other bloggers have used it and I'm not sure if she was the first to!) I've always loved this topic and format to share some thoughts I've been having lately. 

If we were having coffee... My drink of choice would probably be a blonde vanilla latte. Yup, I'm totally jumping on that Starbucks bandwagon with their blonde espresso. It's delicious.

If we were having coffee... I'd tell you how I'm still trying to figure out this blog. In some ways I'm really proud of it and where it's going. The layout is the best I've ever had because it looks professional while also reflecting who I am. I love how much more focused the posts are. But, I look at them and sometimes I think "I don't talk like that. Who talks like that?" As much as I want to be professional and talk about writing and books and everything... I want to be myself too. My favorite blogs are always the ones where I feel like I actually know the person who's writing. I want to be the same way. Even with my Flash Fiction Fridays I'm having doubts. I've really started to love writing these short stories, it's challenging me, and the characters I've been able to create are dear to my heart. My most recent story, has been one of my favorites and most personal to me so far. I'm so proud of it. But the amount of views it's had is rather sad. While I know it's not about the amount of views something has, it is discouraging. I'm not sure what to do about it. 

If we were having coffee... I'd talk about how truly awful online dating is. There are a lot of apps and websites who are working hard to improve things so people aren't getting unwanted messages as often. (OKCupid just updated their messaging system that I'm pretty happy about.) But, it still just sucks. First, you have the plain old jerks and creepers. Once you weed them out, you have the guys who have no clue how to hold a conversation. Once you weed them out, there's the ones who seem like good men... but soon you realize they're just jerks in disguise. I'm exhausted. But, I've had some fascinating conversations about all of this lately, that will probably result in some blog posts. So, at least there's that?

If we were having coffee... I'd share how my niece is already 2 months old, and still completely adorable. She's super "talkative" and always makes all of these noises like she wants to be part of the conversation. I love it! 

If we were having coffee... I'd talk about how I'm not sure what to do about church at the moment. The service I've been attending since college (regularly in college, then when I'd come visit the years I lived in Missouri, then officially joined as a member when I moved back to Chicago) closed it's doors December 31st. The "main campus" which hosted the service is still open, and my membership is there. I want to try to continue to go there because I love the congregation. But I also wonder if this is a sign for me to find another place to go. Particularly one closer to home. Yet, I do like the congregation, and I end up working on almost every Sunday morning anyway which prevents me from attending anywhere. So... maybe I need to just not worry about it. But I've never not had a "home base" for Sundays mornings before on the rare occasions I can attend. This is weird for me. 

If we were having coffee... My shallow and materialistic side would come out and I'd probably be gushing about the Pandora bracelet I got for Christmas. I'm slightly obsessed and am always paging through the catalog and website looking at charms. I know.. it's ridiculous. But I can't help it! It's just so pretty and shiny!

If we were having coffee... I'd talk about how finishing the rough draft of Vampire Snow White isn't going quite as I had hoped. I think my month-long break in December did more harm than good because now I can't get back into the swing of writing regularly. It's not like I'm not thinking about it or working on it. I am. I've done some brainstorming, world building, and had a couple break-throughs. All of this totally counts and is great! But, actual words on the page? Not so much. 

If we were having coffee, what would you order? What would you tell me about your life lately?

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Like what you read? Consider buying me a coffee. This simply helps me to offset costs (ex. paying for my website domain) so I can continue to create quality and professional content - along with you receiving my lifelong love and appreciation!

2017 Year in Review and Looking Ahead

It's the first week of January and I'm already breaking my posting routine by blogging on Wednesday and not Tuesday. But, when I saw that one of my favorite bloggers, Helene in Between, was hosting a year in review and 2018 goals for January 3 link up, I had to join in on the fun. I was already planning a blog post on this topic anyway, so why not. Right? 

Right.

Click on the photo below to go to Helene's blog and find others who are linking up too!

2017 in Review

Life

At first, I didn't think 2017 had much going on, and for so many people 2017 was a terrible terrible year with politics, hurricanes, Nazis... just to name a few things. But, when I thought about it, there were a few big moments at least for myself and my family!

My sister and her husband had their first baby! All year my family and I were preparing, organizing the baby shower, and general excitement for the new arrival! She was born in November and we couldn't be happier!

I got a new job at another hotel. The same position at the front desk and same company as the hotel where I was previously, but this one is much closer to home. At my old job, I was driving an hour each way and when I looked at the cost of the commute, it just wasn't worth it. I'm really enjoying my new hotel which is also smaller than the previous one, and makes for a much more relaxing work environment. 

My parents and I moved to a new condo. It's smaller than our old place, but we really like it! It's cozy and perfect for us and the animals. 

I was in a friends wedding in Orlando, and while I was there I decided to spend a couple extra days to visit Disney World and Universal Studios. It was a blast! The best part was meeting Snow White (along with Elsa, Anna, Aurora, Mickey Mouse, Mary Poppins, Alice, Ariel...). Which, I know that makes a total dork! But I love Disney, and Snow White has been my favorite character ever since I was a toddler. I've gone to Disney World a few times, but never got to meet her before now, so it was definitely exciting for me.

Me at the wedding in July. The venue had an awesome library!

Blog

I finally bit the bullet and got my new blog started up! My old blog, Love Woke Me Up This Morning, had it's domain expire and I couldn't get it back up again. I took it as a sign to officially close that one down and get this one set up. I'm loving Square Space, and I'm really proud of the design and layout, and my blog posts and topics are much more intentional than they used to be.

Meeting Snow White in Epcot!

Reading

I read 113 books in 2017! In 2016 I had read 124, and I wanted to read less so I had more life/reading balance. Technically, I did read less. So... mission accomplished? Although, I'm not sure if I've nailed the life/reading balance yet - haha. 

Here's the genres I read (many books overlap into several genres and categories):

• 56 adult 
• 49 young adult
• 25 contemporary
• 59 fantasy
• 19 historical
• 2 graphic novels
• 6 sci-fi
• 3 classics
• 5 non-fiction
• 1 action
• 3 horror/thriller
• 32 romance
• 18 own voices
• 51 books which featured main characters from marginalized groups

I'll be posting about my top 17 books of 2017 next week, and if you want to see a full list and more stats, click here. 

One of the pretty trees at our new condo!

Writing

2017 was the year I finally began querying my urban fantasy novel to literary agents! It was terrifying.

After sending out 47 queries, I had exactly one agent request more pages, and all 47 ultimately said no. Sometimes through an email back, sometimes by not responding at all. Which, was a bummer. But, this was a big and important step for me in my writing career. 

Sending out queries helped me learn how to handle rejection. I learned what agents are looking for in a good query and opening pages. I learned how to get over the fear of putting myself and my work out there. Now that I've overcome the hurdle of starting the querying process, I know I can continue to do it.

I got started on a new project, which I've nicknamed "Vampire Snow White." It's exactly as it sounds. What if Snow White was a vampire? I'm obsessed with this project and these characters. It's been so much fun!

I joined the summer writing contest through The Write Practice, which was my first venture into short fiction and writing contests. I learned that I'm not very good at short fiction, but it's something I want to continue to work on. Thus, I created Flash Fiction Fridays here on my blog. It's a series I'm already loving, even though there's only been four stories so far. I hope you all have been loving them too!

Finally, I gained more writer friends and critique partners. There's a trio of myself and two friends from college where we've made our own little writing group and it's been a blast reading their pages and getting their feedback on mine too. Even beyond the writing elements, I'm living for our ongoing Facebook chat. 

Me and my niece, Elsie, the day after she was born! Isn't she the cutest?

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2018 Goals

I know that in all reality, the start of a new year is just another day. We don't need to count down to midnight and turn the page in our calendar to get started on our goals and what we want to accomplish. But, I love the symbolism behind it, and I like having that set time to start fresh. It doesn't erase or change anything from the year before, but it has the feeling of something fresh and new. 

Here are a few of the things I'd like to happen in 2018.

Life

It sounds a little sad, but I had a hard time thinking of goals for myself that are simply for myself and not the blog, reading, or writing. I'm not one to say "This year I'll go to the gym every day!" or "I'm going to eat healthier!" 

We all know that neither of these things will ever happen. 

But, I did think of a couple things in life I know I need to work on.

• Spend time with friends. Now that I have a semi-normal work schedule, I don't have an excuse to not see them anymore. I get off work around 3pm nearly every day, which means I have plenty of time in the afternoons to hang out and have a social life. I'm always happier when I'm out and about, but I let some anxiety get in the way.
• Go on actual dates. A friend and I were talking about this the other night and how we moan and groan about being "forever single." Then we turn around, talk to a guy for a bit, then ignore him, and never go out. It doesn't make sense. (We also joked about making a podcast about our crazy online dating stories just for comedy's sake because wow - we have some funny ones.) 
• Make a plan to go on a vacation. I've been doing better about this the last couple of years. I love to travel and see new places and experience new things, but I have a hard time making it a reality. My mom and I were discussing this not long ago and how we need to pick a place to go that we've always wanted to see, and figure out how we'll get there. 

Blog

I'm pretty proud of myself as it is with being able to keep up with blogging as much as I have been already. But there is always room for improvement and growth!

• Build up my email list. From what I've read for aspiring authors, I always hear how the email list is super important. Already I have it set up so people receive an email with each blog post, and a monthly newsletter. I'd love to have a freebie to include though when people sign up like an exclusive short story you can only get as an email subscriber. Keep an eye out!
• Post more often. So far, I've been posting once a week. Twice when I have a Flash Fiction Friday or a special occasion. I'd love it though if I could bump it up to twice a week.
• Include guest bloggers. Yes! I want guest bloggers! My email list was already informed, so they have first dibs. But I would love to include other writers, readers, and friends on this blog with guest posts and interviews. If you would like to write a guest post or be interviewed, send me an email! (eehornburg [at] gmail [dot] com)

Blog posts about planning for the new year means showing off your new planner, right? Right.

Reading

Usually, I try to go easy on the reading goals. Reading is a fun escape for me, and I hate it when I feel as though I "have" to read a certain book, vs. wanting to read it. But, I did notice that I wasn't reading as intentionally this past year, and there are a few things I'd like to accomplish.

• Read less. It sounds weird, and this was a goal last year (I read 124 in 2016 and 113 in 2017), and it's one I want to keep up. I love reading a ton of books every year. But, I know I need to be better at life/reading balance. I don't want to wake up one morning realizing I missed a ton of life opportunities and experiences because I had my nose stuck in a book.
• Read more own voices. I definitely have been reading own voices books, and reading books where the main characters are from marginalized groups. But, when I look at the numbers, I can do way better. Especially with own voices and books for adults. Not that I don't want to read YA own voices - I absolutely do! But, I'm familiar with that market and know where to find them. I want to work on finding authors for adults who are also own voices. All books need to be diverse and have representation from everyone in them. But, we need to be sure the own voices are being raised up. 
• Read books I already own. This is a big one. Of the physical books I already, I have roughly 35 I haven't read. Which isn't a bad number. But of my ebooks... that's a whole other story. I have a severe ebook downloading problem. They come so inexpensive, I feel like a fool NOT downloading them! Then here I am... with over 130 unread books sitting on my Kindle app. When I think about it too much, I get ridiculously overwhelmed.

Writing

My writing goals at this point in my life are some of my most important. Mainly because I'm impatient and I just want to have an agent and a book deal RIGHT NOW. 

I know this is not realistic, and even after an author signs with an agent, there's a ton more waiting and work to be done. But, my impatience helps to keep me motivated.

• Have a full rough draft done for Vampire Snow White and ready to send to my critique partners by the end of February. I got a big chunk of it done during NaNoWriMo, took a much  needed break in December, and now I'm ready to get back to it. This means writing about another 50,000 words. Considering I wrote 50k in one month, I can totally get another 50k done in two.
• Work on revisions and rewrites for my urban fantasy, Guardians of the City. This one is much more tentative, because I do think I need to take a step back from it for a bit. But, I'd like to think at some point this year, I'll be ready to tackle it again.
• Get back to work on fairy-tale mash-up. This is a project I was in the very beginning stages of before VSW took over my life. I didn't intend to cast it to the side, because I think it has a lot of potential. But, I'm so excited for VSW that I knew I needed to put all of my focus on that. I think while I'm waiting for readers to send me feedback on VSW I'll play around with this one a bit. Get some brainstorming and outlining done. I'd love it to be my 2018 NaNoWriMo project!

Apparently, I need to use pencil when I use my planner because I'm always crossing things out and rewriting it!

How's that for a list of goals and resolutions for 2018? I feel like such an overachiever when I look over these lists. But, I also know in reality, I most likely won't be able to accomplish all of them, and I'm okay with that. Which doesn't make me such an overachiever after all. 

How was 2017 for you? Any favorite memories for the year? Do you have any New Years Resolutions, Goals, or Plans?

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Merry Christmas!

Considering yesterday was Christmas, I don't have much of a post for today. You can't expect me to think about blogging when there's presents to give and receive, food to eat, and cheesy movies to watch! (All the while, getting baby snuggles from my niece who is now just over a month old.) 

I do hope that you are having a wonderful holiday season and it is filled with peace, love, and happiness! 

An extra blog post will be up on Thursday with my December reading round-up to make up for the lack of one today, and if you're wanting something fun and sweet and fast to read to get you into the holiday spirit, check out my Flash Fiction Friday from December 22. 

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

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Like what you read? Consider buying me a coffee. This simply helps me to continue creating content and I really appreciate your support!