Life

My Not-So-Glamorous Writing Life

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"So... what else do you do other than read and write?" my friend asked me with a laugh.

I laughed along with her. "Nothing!"

Over the weekend I had a rare night out with some friends. It was ladies night at her jewelry store and we got to peruse and try on jewelry we would never be able to afford. We looked through their book of charms to see if there were any that matched my interests and hobbies. Of course, the first things that came to mind where books and writing. It was hard for me to think of other things I enjoy and do that could be portrayed in a charm.

Now, I do have more interests than books. I love my dog, coffee, theatre, etc. But most of the time, all I do once I get home from work is read and write. Then on my days off, beyond my day-to-day errands, I spend it reading and writing. I don't even get out to go write at a coffee shop or something often these days.

Quite frankly, the life of someone aspiring to be a published author isn't all that glamorous or exciting. In fact, I've been told that even when you are published, life isn't glamorous or exciting. I was listening to Mindy McGinnis' podcast, Writer Writer Pants on Fire, one day, and she shared about the day she got her agent. (Or maybe it was when her book sold, I can't remember which.) She said that she got the phone call and she was so excited!

Then she had to go change her cat's litter box.

So glamorous and exciting, right?

I peruse Instagram everyday, and I see other bloggers and writers showing off their photos. They're traveling! Going to coffee shops! Finding the cutest little boutique! Eating ice cream in the sunshine! Showing off their new book covers! Life! Is! So! Great!

My life looks nothing like this. 

Now, I'm fully aware that these photos are staged and intentionally made in a way to showcase the highlights. Most of these people's day to day isn't like this at all. But I take a look around and I think "I don't even have something I can manipulate into a pretty picture to make you think my life is super Instagram and blog-worthy."

I mean, there's only so many ways I can take a photo of my keyboard and coffee mug. 

As much as we like to aspire to the dream of being a super glamourous writer who takes their laptops to adorable coffee shops, typing away with grand and beautiful ideas, gasp-worthy plot points, dreaming up swoony love scenes, and heart-wrenching moments to make you cry and the perfect writing music is playing in the background, this just isn't how it is. 

My writing routine mainly consists of this:

  • Staring at my computer screen
  • Searching Spotify because I can't decide what music I'm in the mood for
  • Staring at the pictures on my wall
  • Typing a few words then deleting them, writing words, deleting them again, etc.
  • Pacing my bedroom until I can get inspiration or the one word I'm searching for comes to me
  • Flipping through my notebook cause I can't remember what I named a certain kingdom 
  • Scrolling through Pinterest because I just CAN'T write until I have the perfect model to inspire me for a character
  • Searching the kitchen for a snack
  • Replying to messages from my writing group
  • Telling my dog to get off my lap so I can type
  • Getting a couple of paragraphs done
  • Repeat

So, when people ask me how the book is going, or what's new in my life... I'm at a loss for words. The book is going well, but I don't necessarily have anything to show for it right now. If I ever do, it's going to be several months. Maybe even years. As for what's new in my life, not a whole lot because supposedly my book is going well. When it's going well, that basically means I'm in my writing hole and don't emerge from it often. 

Even if going well is me staring at the computer screen.

Earlier this year I was talking with a group of friends from church about my "work, go home, write, read, go to sleep, do it all again the next day" routine, it felt like one or two people kind of pitied me. 

Which, I can see that. It is pretty boring, and I guess I can say that I'm in a "life rut."

But at the same time, I also know this is how it goes when it comes to completing a novel. It takes a long time, and it's not super exciting. Yes, I want to go out more. I want to see my friends more often. I want "adventure in the great wide somewhere" as Belle would sing. Part of who I am is getting out and being around people. The whole "I really am an extrovert" thing. 

On the other hand, I'm learning to accept that this process isn't going to look exciting. Most of the time, it's going to appear to be pretty boring. That's just how it is.

Which, I struggle with sometimes. There are days I don't mind, and there are days where it does bother me. I'm not sure what the answer is though. 

What about you? Do you find that you get stuck in a routine and unsure of how to get out of it? What aspects of your life do you find really boring? What do you think would surprise people about your day-to-day routine?


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April Goals

Happy April! 

Supposedly it's officially spring now in Chicago. Which... spring is always slightly random for us. We had the coldest Easter Sunday in 20 years last year, but it's been sunny and should be warming up soonish. 

We'll see what "soonish" actually turns out to be.

But, at least it appears as though the worst of winter is behind us. Even just having the sun out more often while it's still cold gives hope that spring is coming and gives me a tad more motivation to reach some of those goals I made back in January. Starting resolutions in the middle of winter is a terrible idea, because all I want to do is curl up in bed with a book and binge Netflix TV shows. 

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April also means Camp NaNoWriMo is starting! It's like the little sister to National Novel Writing Month where people get to work on their writing projects. There are a few differences though.

  1. During National Novel Writing Month in November, the big goal is 50,000 words. During Camp, you get to set your own goal.
  2. You have the option to be put into a "cabin" of other writers where you have a little chat going and can encourage one another in your goals.
  3. You don't have to necessarily be working on a novel during Camp. 

I don't regularly participate in Camp NaNoWriMo the way I do the big event in November. It all depends on what I'm working on and what's going on in my life. This year, I decided that I'm going to casually participate since it could be the kick in the rear I need to get some major headway in my novel done. 

What will I be working on? Glad you asked.

I'm officially stepping back from Vampire Snow White (Bleeding Heart.) I love that book and the characters, but the writers block I've had with it has been some of the most intense I've ever experienced. After talking over with my writing group, I think it's time to take a break from it for the time being. At first I didn't want to switch projects and push through it, because if you keep on switching around what you're working on, nothing will ever get done. But, I think this is for the best. I love this book, but I don't think I have the tools or mindset to tackle it yet. In the future I will, but not right now.

Which means I'm going back to the novel I originally was working on before Bleeding Heart took over, and that's what I nick-name my "fairy tale mash-up" (White Rose)

White Rose is going to be more of an adult epic or high fantasy novel that I think would have young adult appeal. (Think A Court of Thorns and Roses. While, technically it is marketed as  YA, NONE of the characters are teenagers after the first book and has a lot of content that I don't see as being YA. I see my book as being something similar.) The main focus is combining the two fairy tales of "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" with "Snow White and Rose Red" where we see the story of two sisters, Eira and Rose. There's a bunch of other fairy tales I want to reference though, which makes it really fun.

I'm pretty excited about this book because since it's not a urban fantasy, all of it will take place in a different fantasy world and I'm enjoying building it up. 

My overall word count goal is to write 25,000 words. I already had 14,000 words written in this novel. So, by the end of April I should have roughly 40,000 words done. This makes for a little over 800 words a day. Which is not bad at all.

I'm not going to stress myself out about word count though. As long as I'm making regular progress each day, I'm going to be happy. I also will not be joining a cabin. I have a good core group of writing friends and other connections I've made, and they aren't all participating in Camp. It's just easier and more helpful to go to them when I need support. 

It's going to be a fun month writing-wise and I'm excited!

I have one other goal I want to work on this month too. That's building up my email list. A few days ago I posted on social media that if I were to add an incentive for people to join my email list, which would be the best:

  • Original fiction
  • Writing help freebies

Some people said they'd want original fiction, but the majority asked for writing help freebies, to my surprise! So, that's something I'd like to work on. It'd be great to have some sort of free worksheet or workbook or something for people who sign up for the email list. I'm not sure how to do it yet, or what it will entail, but it's definitely on my goals for April. 

If anyone has experience making the PDFs for their subscribers (writing or otherwise) please let me know, because I have no idea where to even begin!

 

What are some of your goals for April? Anyone else participating in Camp NaNoWriMo?


Like what you read? Consider buying me a coffee. This simply helps me to offset costs (ex. paying for my website domain) so I can continue to create quality and professional content - along with you receiving my lifelong love and appreciation!

Writers Self-Care

I'm not good at staying healthy and taking care of my body. I don't have a regular exercise routine, I don't pre-plan my meals or stick to a diet, and depending on my work schedule I either get too little sleep, or too much. 

What possessed me to open up Yoga With Adrienne on YouTube on my days off this week, I have no idea.

But you know what? It felt good. I loved being able to stretch out, get a work out in, and focus my mind to prepare for the day. 

Years back, I had gotten into the habit of doing yoga almost everyday, but then I randomly skipped a day and it all went downhill from there. Once you break a habit it's hard to get it back. I learned that the hard way the last few months when I took December off from writing my novel. Getting back into the habit of sitting down and writing has been difficult to say the least. 

A few days ago, I was talking with one of my critique partners and she was saying how essential her daily writing sessions have been for her life, and hated the idea of having to give them up for other things through the day. For most of us writers, getting in our daily writing time is hard because it's such an isolated thing. Particularly if you aren't getting paid for it. It seems selfish and guilt sets in.

On the Writing Excuses Podcast, Brandon Sanderson continually encourages writers to not feel this way, because our writing is an essential part of who we are and how we take care of ourselves. He says that when someone has a daily run or a weekly basketball league they go to, no one ever is like "Well, you're never going to be a professional basketball player or Olympic athlete so why bother?" We should have the same attitude towards our writing. Even if it doesn't pay you anything, that doesn't mean it's not important. 

It's just like me trying to fit yoga into my schedule. I could see the difference in my day after having that time to clear my head and take care of myself. 

A lot of times, I feel like people tend to look down and make fun of the self care trends. At least in the circles I run in. It's seen as excuses to go shopping, take a bubble bath, or binge watch something on Netflix. 

I'm not saying that those things aren't part of self care. They totally can be! But that's not all it is. Sometimes, you simply need to recharge and do something for yourself in order to help others and be more productive. Writing, reading, working on a creative project, and yes - sometimes binge watching something on Netflix - and taking care of your mind and spirit are just as an important part of self-care as physical exercise and diet are. 

But, sometimes we creative types need to take a break from those things too. 

Camp NaNoWriMo is starting up in April, and people all over the world will get to work on various writing projects. I've heard stories of writers not sleeping and forgetting to eat because they're so engrossed in what they're working on. Some writers will lie on the floor and mope because they can't figure out what to do next and think they're failures. 

But, there are moments when we use these activities as an excuse to not do other important things. That's not good either. 

A blog friend of mine, Brittany, wrote about "Adulting as Self-Care" the other day and how she might not like grocery shopping, but she likes the stability of knowing she and her family have food and are provided for. 

Sometimes you have to do some things you don't like in order to take care of yourself. We have to work a job we aren't in love with all of the time in order to get a paycheck. We have to sit down and pay our bills on time. We need to eat. We need to sleep. If what you're working on is stressing you out too much, focus on something else for a bit. You need stability and food on the table too.

I had the privilege of going to a night with Lin-Manuel Miranda at a theatre a year or two ago. (Yes, I was in the room where it happened. Sorry - couldn't resist!) He did a Q&A with the audience and someone asked "How do you respond when you want to pursue the arts and people tell you to get a real job?"

His response?

"That's good advice."

Yeah, I was slightly surprised too. But, his explaination made sense. 

He said that you should always do what you love, but you also need to pay your bills. You need to have health insurance. You need groceries. You need to take care of your family. Even if he didn't have the success he does now, he'd still be writing musicals because it's what he loves. But, he also would be working as a music substitute teacher to be sure that he and his family were taken care of.

Or there are the times when we focus too much on it. As important as making your creative projects a regular habit is, sometimes you need a break from your self-care.

There are a lot of moments when I get so engrossed in writing, that is stresses me out, and I see other parts of my life suffer because of it. I don't spend time with people I care about because I just have to get this chapter done, or I'll eat junk food all of the time because it's easier to eat at the keyboard, and I'll cut back on the hours I sleep because I need more time in the day to get my word count in for the day. 

Those aren't always good things either. 

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Or no matter what it is you do in life, it doesn't have to be just writing or being creative. If you aren't taking care of yourself, how can you do anything else well? It's all balancing act. 

Just some random thoughts I've been having on the subject lately. How do you balance self-care and also being sure you're productive? Also, I highly recommend a blog a friend of mine started called Help Mama Mediate. While it is for mom's and mediation (I'm not one, and I don't meditate really) she still discusses a lot with self-care and has some awesome tips and advice for being sure you take time out for yourself. 


Like what you read? Consider buying me a coffee. This simply helps me to  continue creating aquality and professional content - along with you receiving my lifelong love and appreciation!

Why Representation in Media Matters (To Me)

It's Saturday night and I hop into my car after seeing the movie, Love, Simon. It's no secret I'm a Becky Albertalli fangirl. I've read the book, Simon vs the Homo Sapiens Agenda five times, have cried over The Upside of Unrequited, pre-ordered Leah on the Offbeat, and I met Becky at YallFest in 2016. (Twice. She follows me on Twitter now and patiently and kindly puts up with all of my flailing.) The movie was all I had hoped it would be. Of course there were a couple of minor tweaks I would have made, but nothing that ruined my enjoyment and appreciation of it. I laughed and cried and one of the best moments was when the theater erupted in applause at the big romantic scene towards the end. Nothing could warm my heart more. 

Thank goodness for friends who don't judge too harshly when a grown woman gushes about her "precious baby Simon" and how she wants to "squish his cheeks and give him a hug." 

As I opened up "Simon's Playlist" on Spotify and drove home, I couldn't help but think about how glad I am this movie and book exists. There are so many kids (and adults) who will, and already, have gotten so much out of it. I think of the friends I've known who are somewhere on the LGTBQIA+ spectrum and how much media like this would have meant to them when we were in high school.

Because while Simon is one of my favorite books and I loved the movie - this story isn't for me. It's for them. I'm so happy they have it.

As I drove, my mind wandered to the books, movies, and TV shows that are for me. The ones that deal with the types of representation which would reflect who I am. I've talked about this topic before and more of my personal reasons for representation in media on my now abandoned YouTube channel. It was in response to a video My Name is Marines made, which was much better done than mine. 

I want to revisit this topic, but here on my blog. My video was fine, but not as good as I want it to be, and I tend to write out my thoughts better than speaking them sometimes. Go figure. 

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For a long time, I purposely avoided anything which featured a character who had a disability because whenever I saw any, it was terrible. The character had no depth, all they ever talked or thought about was their disability (sorry, I don't wake up thinking about it every single morning), and they were always this weird-perfect-better than everyone else-someone we should all aspire to be- and only existed to be inspirational-being.

No thanks.

I also never saw a character who had a condition I could fully connect with. They would be blind, or deaf, or permanently in a wheelchair, and I was none of those things. I have Osteogenesis Imperfecta which basically means I break my bones a lot and have short stature. (I'm 4'2.) For most of my childhood, I had braces and a walker. Then in jr. high I didn't need braces anymore, but we did get a wheelchair because that was an easier and safer way for me to travel long distances and to carry my books through the school hallways. Even then, I wasn't in it permanently. And none of the characters I saw had short stature the way I did. Then, when shows like Little People, Big World, came out, I was able to connect with them on a certain level. But we have completely different conditions, so it still didn't quite fit the bill.

As I thought about it, I realized it went deeper than this though. Part of me felt I wasn't allowed to enjoy media featuring disabilities. 

My strongest memory stemming to this is from the 1996 summer Olympics. Naturally, all of us kids were excited about it and all summer talked about our favorite Olympians and moments. One day, I was with some of my friends and we were listing our favorite gymnasts. My answer was Kerri Strug

The other girls, who were very familiar with my disability and all of my injuries which sent me to the ER several times a year, rolled their eyes and said "you only like her because she got hurt."

Embarrassed, I tried to defend myself by saying that I also thought she was a good gymnast. But it was no use. Already, my opinion was regarded as not valid. 

I wish someone had told me "So what if you only like her because, like you, she's experienced extreme pain but also had to keep going and push through it?" 

Because it's a completely valid reason to admire someone.

Yes, I understand we were in fourth grade and kids can be ridiculous. But, we also can't deny that sometimes what appears to be the smallest things from childhood stick with us for a long time. Even in college my friends would tease me about my love of Snow White, and said it was only because the dwarfs were short like me.

Later in my 4th grade year, I picked up a book called Midnight in the Dollhouse by Marjorie Filley Stover.  It was a novel about a young girl living in post-Civil War time and broke her hip, then during the healing process was confined to her bed for three months. To pass the time, her family got her a set of small dolls and a dollhouse for her to play with. (Of course, the dolls came to life and had adventures.) This book ticked so many boxes for me. I was an avid reader of the American Girl books, so historical fiction was my jam. Then, I loved to play with my dolls and create elaborate stories for them. But on top of it, was a character I could connect to. 

A majority of my childhood was spent with broken bones, having to stay in bed for long periods of time, and needing to find something to do. I remember I was even excited because when the character healed, her left leg ended up being slightly shorter than her right leg. I had the same thing!

While she didn't have the exact same situation as I did, for the first time I had a character I could see myself in. I didn't even realize how much I was craving for a story where I could say "me too!" until I read one.

But, I never tried to seek any more out. Maybe I thought it was a fluke, and for the most part, it kind of has been. Because whenever I did see or read something with a character who had a disability, it wasn't done well.

How awesome it would have been for me to read a book about a kid with braces on their legs. Or now as an adult to read a book about a character with a disability and it doesn't end with them dying, or moaning and groaning about their situation all of the time, or being so perfect and inspirational it's impossible to connect.

Which, we are coming along in that area. But we still have so far to go.

Then, I think about all of the other areas in my life I could see more in media. A big example was when I read The Upside of Unrequited by Becky Albertalli. The premise is about a teenage girl who has had 26 crushes, but never a boyfriend. 

As a perpetually single person, this book resonated with me on a deeper level than I had anticipated. She expressed feelings and insecurities I had back then, and even now as an adult, when it comes to relationships I never fully admitted to myself. So often we read stories about people who are in relationships and have had relationships as though it's assumed EVERYONE has had these experiences. I want more stories about the rest of us.

Or, when I read Georgia Peaches and Other Forbidden Fruit  by Jaye Robin Brown. It was so refreshing to see a book featuring characters who are Christian - but also aren't complete jerks like you usually do. AND it wasn't a "Christian" book either. (Don't even get me started on Christian books.)

Or books about sisters.

And platonic friendships.

 And healthy families. 

It's amazing how even us writers tend to write awful stories about writers. (Example - Rory writing her book in Gilmore Girls:  Year in the Life. I rolled my eyes so hard it hurt.) 

Then, there's also the point of that we don't have to be like a character in order to learn from the story. When I go back to Simon vs the Homo Sapiens Agenda, I think of how much I learned and connected to the book. No, I'm not a gay teenage boy. I have no idea what that's like, I'll never have to come out to my family, or experience someone blackmailing me about my sexuality. But, there were still so many other elements of the book that I could relate to when I was in high school, and I was able to see something from a different point of view. 

That's the beauty of storytelling. We see through someone else's eyes. 

I've been watching a lot of Queer Eye on Netflix lately, and so much of it is about just this. People who are completely different from one another learning from each other. 

There's power in learning and seeing the perspective of someone different than you are.

And there's power in seeing yourself in a story. Just think of all of the black kids right now who are watching Black Panther and feeling empowered by it. Think of all of the women who felt the same when they watched Wonder Woman.

That's why representation matters.


Like what you read? Consider buying me a coffee. This simply helps me to offset costs (ex. paying for my website domain) so I can continue to create quality and professional content - along with you receiving my lifelong love and appreciation!

Reading, Watching, Listening

I have been feeling particularly lazy the last couple of months. All I want to do when I get home from work is change into sweatpants, make tea, and watch Netflix. I should be writing, building relationships with other writers, making plans with friends, finding new bloggers to follow, etc. 

But nope. Even on my days off and I make all of these grand plans to be SUPER PRODUCTIVE, I end up reading a book and watching TV. Sometimes I'll get out of the house to run errands. 

I blame winter. 

On Thursday, Helene In Between did a "Reading, Watching, and Listening" post, and I thought I'd steal the idea for this week!

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Reading

You'll get my usual end of the month reading-round up next week. So, I won't go into too much detail here.

Glamour in Glass by Mary Robinette Kowal

This is the second book in her Glamourist Histories novels where it's basically Jane Austen with magic. They're so cute and charming and it really feels like I've jumped into an Austen novel. Just you know... they have magic too. 

 

An Extraordinary Union by Alyssa Cole

I've heard so many good things about this #ownvoices historical romance that takes place during the Civil War. It's about a former slave who is actually a spy for the Union and can I say YES PLEASE??? Sign me up to read that!

 

The Sense and Disability Blog

A friend of mine recommended this blog to me and I LOVE it already! She reviews romance books that feature characters who have disabilities. Already I've found two new authors because of this blog and I can't wait to read more! I squeal with excitement every time a new blog post hits my inbox. 

 

Watching

Winter is perfect for binge watching TV, am I right?

Gilmore Girls

Usually, I like to have a TV show I'm familiar with playing in the background at home while I'm getting other things accomplished. Cleaning, writing, reading, etc. I hate having it too quiet! With a TV show I know well, I don't have to be fully paying attention because I can jump in at any moment and not be lost. That was what Gilmore Girls was SUPPOSED to be after I finished my re-watch of Friends. 

However, I've been legitimately watching it. It's just so charming I can't help myself!

 

The Marvelous Mrs. Maizel

I know, I'm late to the party! But I finally decided to do an Amazon Prime free trial and this was at the top of my list of things to watch. (Cause you know... same people who created Gilmore Girls...) Everyone has been right in saying how funny and awesome it is!

 

Riverdale

Only the first season is on Netflix but oh goodness I'm addicted! I love this re-imagining of the classic comic (even though I literally know nothing about the original) and the murder mystery is so compelling. Yes, it's a pretty typical CW teen drama with a dash of murder mystery. But still. SO GOOD. I need season 2 on Netflix immediately because I'm too behind to watch it as it airs on TV.

 

The Bachelor

Yes, I'm one of those people who watches The Bachelor and The Bachelorette every single week. I just have to know who Arie picks! Even though I know a few weeks after the final rose episode they'll break up. But, one can hope it'll actually last this time... right? 

 

The Bachelor Winter Games

Judge me all you want. I judge myself. But it's a train wreck you just can't look away from. There's only been one episode and there's so many tears already! Will Ashley FINALLY find love and not be "friend-zoned????" THIS COULD BE HER SEASON! Let's be real- that's the real story behind these Bachelor spin-offs. Is it weird I'm kinda rooting for her in spite of all of the tears? I think it's because I'm secretly like her... but I don't think I cry as much. 

 

Listening

The Greatest Showman Soundtrack

Like the rest of the world, I've fallen in love with The Greatest Showman. I'm a musical theatre nerd - what can I say? Yes, there are some problematic elements, and yes it's not completely accurate as to how PT Barnum really was and how the circus really was/is, etc. But I've seen the movie twice and it makes me laugh and cry and I get chills and ZAC EFRON and the music is just SO SO GOOD. If you ever need a pick-me-up, this album will definitely put you in good spirits. I also learned that the music goes perfectly while reading The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern.

 

Demi Lovato's album Tell Me You Love Me

I've never been a huge fan of Demi Lovato. I've never had anything against her, and when a song of hers comes on the radio I don't turn the station or anything like that. Just, for some reason I never got into her music. But when Tell Me You Love me came out last year I heard someone raving about it and thought I'd check it out.

OH MY GOODNESS now I can't stop. It's awesome inspiration for my Vampire Snow White novel. It's full of girl-power, but also really sexy, but also vulnerable. Just.... aaaaahhhhhhhhhhh. How was I not a Demi Lovato fan before now? 

 

The Snark Squad Podcast

I've been following The Snark Squad blog ever since their early days of commenting on The Babysitters Club and Sweet Valley High. We have a long-term relationship. Naturally, when they released a podcast I was on it ASAP.

It's PERFECT. 

In fact, their episode about Riverdale was what inspired me to watch the show, and their episode about Star Wars was completely delightful. If you like snark and pop culture, you HAVE to listen. 

 

What have you been reading/watching/listening to lately? Anything I should check out?

What to do About Dating Part 3: Story Time

I've been doing some heavier topics with dating the last couple of week. So, let's lighten things up a bit, shall we? 

I've been told that I have some of the most outrageous stories when it comes to my limited online dating experiences. I may not think they're a big deal, or that perhaps they're "normal." But when I tell them my friends start to have a strange look on their face and ask "he did/said what?"

So, here's one of my "classic" stories friends always want me to share when people ask about my online dating experiences.

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The Forest Preserve Guy

Please note:  names have been changed to preserve privacy.

It was a few years ago in the early spring. I'd moved back to Chicago and was working part-time at a preschool. It was a new start to my life, so I decided it was a good time to jump into online dating. I'd attempted it (barely) in the past, but I needed to ACTUALLY try. 

I found him on an app and he had a great opening line. He noticed I mentioned in my profile that I used to work in youth ministry about how his dad was a pastor so he understood how much ministry could suck.

Someone who understood me! It was amazing!

We chatted on the app for a bit and quickly moved onto actual text messages. Sharing my phone number with a guy was brand new to me, so this was quite a brave and exciting step. We texted all weekend and had deep conversations. I'd waded through a ton of terrible conversations and sleezey men. This was a breath of fresh air.

He told me his name was Johnathan. I remember specifically asking him if he preferred John or Johnathan. He said Johnathan. (Yes, this is important.) Cool.

It just so happened later that week, a friend of mine was coming up to Chicago for a few days and was staying at a hotel somewhat around the area of where I worked. I always finished my shift around 1pm, and I had a couple of hours to spare before meeting her. So, in a surge of uncommon bravery, I texted Johnathan and asked if he was free and if he wanted to hang out. He said sure, and he was planning to take his dog to the dog park that afternoon and asked if I'd want to come.

I thought it was a great idea. I love dogs, and it's a slightly different first meeting/date from the usual coffee or drinks. 

I told him what time I was off work, he gave me the address, and I said how long it'd take me to get there.

The day came, I wore a cute (but not like I was trying too hard) outfit, and when I left work I punched the address into my GPS. I arrived slightly early, but still roughly about the time I said I would. However... this address did not look like a dog park.

It was a forest preserve with a large field across the street from a neighborhood. So... not tucked away and deserted or anything like that. But definitely not a dog park.

I decided not to panic. Since I'm directionally challenged and get lost all of the time, I figured I found the wrong place. So, I drove around a bit in search of the dog park. 

There was none to be found.

Eventually, I saw an elderly woman walking a dog. Surely, she knew where the dog park was! I pulled over and asked.

She said, "Well, there's the field by the forest preserve. BUT YOU HAVE TO HAVE YOUR DOG ON A LEASH!"

"Okay... thank you." 

I parked next to a house across the street and looked over at the open field as I texted Johnathan: I think I'm at the right place? It's a forest preserve.

He texted back. Oh! I didn't know you were already there! Give me ten minutes.

First of all,  I told him what time I'd be there. But... whatever.

Second of all, I was in the right place. The thought go through my mind:

AND THIS IS WHERE I GET MURDERED.

Naturally, as I waited I put on some lip gloss. Because apparently when you're about to get murdered you should also look cute. 

Please don't ask me why I stayed. I have no idea.

Sure enough, Johnathan arrived with with dog in tow and we hung out in the field. He apologized and said "Yeah... it's not really a dog park."

Yeah. I got that.

The date/meet-up itself wasn't that bad. Conversation wasn't amazing, but not weird or awkward as so many first dates can go. He seemed like a pretty nice guy. His dog was also adorable and she loved me.

But then.

He said, "By the way, my name isn't Johnathan. It's Dave."

Me:

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Now, if I recall correctly, the app we had been using was one where you had a username. But he introduced himself when we chatted AND as you recall, I specifically asked him what he preferred to be called.

I understand wanting to be safe and all, but when you're at the point of texting and meeting up, that's also when you know someone by their ACTUAL name. Also, you don't tell someone you're going to a dog park when you're actually going to a forest preserve in a random open field.

I try to be nice and ask "So, is Johnathan your middle name or something and you just prefer it?"

"No, it's just a name I like to go by."

Oooooookkkkkkkaaaaaaayyyyy.....

JUST A NAME YOU RANDOMLY PICKED FOR YOURSELF YOU LIKE TO GO BY?

What? What? What? If you hate your name, then go get it changed to the one you like! 

We parted ways after a bit when it was time for me to meet my friend. I didn't hear from him after, and he didn't hear from me. Which, there was no reason he didn't text me. I was awesome. Not that I wanted him to text me, but still.

Until a few weeks later when he texted to say that he got a new place and wanted to see if I wanted to come over and watch Netflix.

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About a year later, in the winter, I get a random Facebook message from him (Yes, on his Facebook, he has both names) and he wanted to see how I was and told me about the "crazy" girl he just broke up with.

Cool?

I haven't spoken to him since.

And that's just the tip of the ice berg when it comes to some of the weird stories I have. 

 

Anyone else have weird dating stories they want to share?


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What to do About Dating Part 2: Being Upfront

Honesty is one of the most important elements of any type of relationship. Whether it's dating, marriage, friendship, family, or even a hook-up. If people aren't honest about who they are and where they're at, there is bound to be trouble. 

It's the age old story. One person is there just for the night. The other person wants love and marriage. The discussion of what they really want never happened. They have a date and then the next day... I'm sure you know where this story is going, and it doesn't end well. 

If both parties had been more upfront about what they wanted and where they were at, a lot of heartache and drama could have been avoided. 

But, how do you approach these topics? When are you upfront about your life, and when is it okay to wait until later to bring up certain issues? 

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Not long ago, a friend of mine on Twitter was discussing this topic of being upfront. (She gave me permission to reference this conversation for this post, by the way.) She is asexual, and was trying to figure out when you're starting to date someone is it appropriate to bring this up. The last I checked, there wasn't a box to check on OkCupid for "asexual." So... when do you talk about it? Before you meet? The first date? When you start to get physical? It's a really great thread and some awesome advice, so I highly suggest you clicking the link to check it out.

I'm not in the same situation, but I could get where she was coming from. While I'm not ace, I am a virgin. (Yes! We do still exist! We're like unicorns!) 

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Some of the more detailed dating sites and apps do give you the opportunity to ask questions about this, but I've found that I still need to find a way to bring it up while getting to know a guy. So far, I haven't found a solution. 

Most of the time, the conversation ends up being them asking me personal questions about my past relationships, expecting me to explain myself, them thinking that I judge them for having a sexual past (By the way... I totally don't. As long as you're safe and everything is consensual, I don't care.), or it turning into an argument.

It's shocking to me how rare a reply such as "No need to explain yourself, it's your body and your choice and I respect that" happens. When it does, I'm pretty floored. 

Part of me hates that most of the time I have to bring this up before I even meet the guy. I don't want it to be an expectation or an automatic write-off. These aspects of someone's life are very personal, and if me, or someone like me, doesn't want to share right away, that should be okay. 

But at the same time, if that's what the other person wants, shouldn't they know this about me before anything happens? And if they're going to be a jerk about it, don't I want to know sooner rather than later?

I've found this to be an issue also when it comes to my disability. One of the very first dates I ever went on from an online app, I had talked to the guy for a couple of days and we met up for coffee. While, on my profile I had a fully-body photo, the guy didn't put together the pieces that I was small. (4'2 to be exact.) Let's just say... it was awkward. I learned the hard way that this is something I absolutely need to be clear about upfront. 

One of my favorite YouTubers, Sitting Pretty with Lolo, gives advice about online dating with a disability all of the time. She suggests while your first profile pic can be whatever you want, be sure that one of the next ones shows your disability. (If it's visible.) For Lolo, that would mean a picture in her wheelchair. For me, while the wheelchair on occasion is something I use, the bigger one for me is being sure I show my height.

Then, Lolo suggests being sure you mention it once in your profile, then move on. Thankfully, most apps and sites give an option for sharing your height. (Although, a couple have automatic options and they don't always go as low as I need, which is really frustrating.) Later, somewhere in my profile (among all of my other awesome attributes!) I mention that I have Osteogenesis Imperfecta. (OI) I've had a couple of interesting pick-up lines from that to be honest! 

I still make it a habit to mention it before I meet a guy to be on the safe side. It's usually awkward, and I don't always know how to bring it up. Most often this conversation goes better than the "hey I'm a virgin" one, but can still be awkward because I don't know how to weave it into conversation. Yet, I know I have to be upfront because once you meet me, there's no way of avoiding it.

I definitely want to go more into detail about dating and having a disability, but that's another topic for another time.

These are the two biggest topics I think about when it comes to being upfront about myself right away. But, there are so many other things too where it can be tricky figuring out how and when to bring it up. Smoking and drinking habits, if someone is divorced, if someone has kids, political views, etc. 

Frankly, if it's a good conversation I don't mind diving into some of the "real stuff" right away. But even then, a lot of these things can be incredibly personal, and I don't think someone should be forced to talk and share them before they're ready. But when dating, when is the appropriate time? 

I'd love to hear people's thoughts on this and how they've handled these things or give any insights. Sometimes I feel so silly asking these questions because I think I should have enough dating experience by now to have other thoughts. But, it is what it is, right? 

Right.


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What to do About Dating Part 1: Standards

Valentines Day is coming up, so what better time than now to talk about dating?

In my case, it's more of a lack of dating, but not because I haven't tried. Swipe right, swipe left, trying to think of something clever to say, do I actually give this random guy my phone number, do we meet, where do we meet, what if we have nothing to talk about, what if he turns out to be a jerk... it's exhausting. 

The problem doesn't lie in meeting people from the internet. At least not for me. Thanks to blogging, YouTube, Twitter, Instagram, etc. I've gotten to know a ton of people through the Internet,  met them "in real life," and consider some to be dear friends.

With dating, there's so much more to sort through, jerks to avoid, and awkward conversations to endure.  Thankfully, the most recent app I've been using has updated their messaging system, and it's made things much better thus far. I'm avoiding a lot more of the guys I'm not interested in and able to focus on the ones I am. Hooray! 

But... that doesn't mean my problems are solved. Not by a long shot. It's high time I talked about them. 

Leading up to the big V-Day, I'm doing a 3 part series on my experiences with dating.

  1. Standards
  2. Being Upfront
  3. Stories

This is by no means a series where I'm dishing out advice on how to make your dating profile amazing, what to do or what to talk about on dates, or the best pick up lines. I'm the last person for that.

This series is more about the thoughts I've been having when it comes to dating. Talking about the dilemmas I've faced. Sharing some funny stories. Things like that. 

As I write today's topic, I'm going to try and be as inclusive as I can. I will talk about being straight/cis woman/Christian because that is the particular perspective I come from and those are my experiences. However, I will still try to make this as relateable as possible no matter your orientation, gender, religion, etc. I'd love to hear different views and stories. So, feel free to share them in the comments, or email directly at eehornburg [at] gmail [dot] com. 

This also means you'll be getting a bonus blog post this week on Thursday with my January Reading Round-Up! (I wouldn't forget about that!) I also might have a bonus Flash Fiction story up on Friday. So, those of you who subscribe via email, your inboxes are going to be full this week!

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The standards and expectations bring into relationships are fascinating. We all have images in our minds of what our partner will be like and set deal breakers for what will and will not work in a relationship. (Or hook up - whatever you're looking for!) What works for one person is a complete turn off for another and vise versa.

I wish I could tell you the pattern I have when it comes to swiping left or right. Some days, I'm stingy and don't like a single profile that comes across my screen. Other days, I'm in a generous mood and give almost every guy a chance. (I usually come to regret that later.) It feels so random and depends on my mood. 

I do have a few rules when it comes to giving a guy a chance. They're somewhat shallow like height (I'm 4'2... every guy towers over me, but even I have a limit), or I don't like the photo, if we have common interests, if they're hold a dog in their photo, how much they add in their profile, etc. But even with those things, there's still times I'll pass or accept and break these rules.

I guess they aren't really rules. More like guidelines.

I mean... just the other day I was chatting with a man who's profile said he was 6'5.

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It makes me wonder, what is an actual deal breaker when it comes to dating and relationships? And when is it, if ever, okay to bend those rules we make for ourselves?

I'm not just talking about things like height, hair color, or if every single interest you have IS THE EXACT SAME. I'm talking about the big stuff. Religion, do you want a family, personalities complimenting each other, do you want the same things in life, politics, etc. 

The more I talk to men and swipe through the apps, the more I think about this, and how some of my deal breakers have changed. And if they should continue to change. 

Example:  a few years ago how someone voted may have played a role in who I was interested in, but ultimately, if they were a good person I was willing to be lenient if we didn't agree. Now, in light of the last few years, you bet your ass someone's political beliefs are a deal breaker for me. 

When we go into a relationship, compromises happen all of the time. I've seen them happen. One person vows they'll never get married or have children, then a few years later they're married with a baby. One person smokes but when they find someone they want a relationship with and they say "I don't date smokers" suddenly you see them with a nicotine patch on their arm. Another person may say that they never want to live with someone before they get married, but eventually move in with their partner before a ring is on their finger.

And all of these people are happy and comfortable with the choices they've made. 

So, what's the deal? When did they change their mind and how did they become comfortable with it?

For me, my big deal breaker has always been faith. I grew up in a traditional Lutheran household, went to a small Lutheran elementary school and university, worked in the church for five years, and always imagined I would end up with someone who shares the same faith as me.

But then, as I talk to guys, I've found I'm just as wary (if not more so) to try dating someone who is a Christian than those who aren't. A lot of times, it's the Christian men who have more of an issue with the fact that I have a disability (more on that at another time), and for the non-Christians it's totally fine. Or politically and socially I have more in common with the non-Christians than the Christians. (I'm not even talking about strictly Lutherans either.) I worry more about the Christian men judging due to the topics and characters I write about in my novels. It makes me wonder if I should open my sphere of men I should be interested in.

On the other hand, if my faith is something that is so important and such a large role in my life, is that something a future partner or spouse should share?

This doesn't have to be just about faith and religion - this simply is the big issue I personally come across. I'm sure people who aren't Christian, many times have the same questions about their own morals/ethics/standards/deal breakers as well.

As anyone would do, I took to the Internet with my question.

It struck up a great conversation, and I loved all of the comments and input I received. There are a lot of women just like me, who are strong Christians, but find dating to be a complete nightmare. Just hearing them say that they understood where I was coming from and were having the same issues as me was a tremendous comfort.

There were also, as I expected, people who encouraged me and shared Bible verses and experiences about dating other Christians. Then talked about praying about it and leaving it up to God. Which, I also appreciated and understood. I know the same verses and prayers and advice. Yet... it kinda of made me feel like Alexander Hamilton as he's rap battling with Thomas Jefferson.

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And then I feel guilty for feeling this way - because I know they have the greatest of intentions and as I said, I totally get and see where they're coming from.

But, I see the people in my life that I know who married someone who doesn't share the same faith as them, and they're happy. It works for them. A friend privately messaged me and was like "you make compromises and religion was one of mine" and she's happy. When talking with another friend she said that yes, she thinks sharing that is what works best, but also that there's no harm in getting to know someone. There are a lot of people who marry those who don't share their faith. They're still Christian. They still go to church. The world hasn't ended.

Yet, I also had friends say that they would hate for me to let go of my standards and settle.

So, when is someone compromising and being realistic, and when is someone letting go of their standards and settling?

Okay... I know what some of you are thinking. "OMG WHO IS THE AMAZING GUY YOU MET THAT IS MAKING YOU CHANGE YOUR THOUGHTS ON DATING?"

There is no one particular guy. I'm still single. I'm not seeing anyone specifically. 

Do I need to shout it for the people in the back? No? Okay, good.

These are simply thoughts I've been having as I fall down this rabbit hole of dating. I've been talking to a lot of different guys, and I've noticed there's a lot of them who don't fit that original image I had of who I'd want to end up with. Does that mean I don't give them a shot? I'm not sure.

Now, I ask you all, because I have zero answers or solutions. I'm sure ultimately, it's up to each individual person and couple. There is no one answer. But still, I'm curious.

What are your deal breakers when it comes to relationships? What are you willing to compromise? Have you found yourself changing your deal breakers as time goes on? What's surprised you about dating? Please, lend some insight to someone who hasn't given up on the idea of romance quite yet! 


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If We Were Having Coffee

This is a blog topic which has been floating around the blogosphere for a few years now. (I think I first saw it on Mr. Thomas and Me, but I know a ton of other bloggers have used it and I'm not sure if she was the first to!) I've always loved this topic and format to share some thoughts I've been having lately. 

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If we were having coffee... My drink of choice would probably be a blonde vanilla latte. Yup, I'm totally jumping on that Starbucks bandwagon with their blonde espresso. It's delicious.

If we were having coffee... I'd tell you how I'm still trying to figure out this blog. In some ways I'm really proud of it and where it's going. The layout is the best I've ever had because it looks professional while also reflecting who I am. I love how much more focused the posts are. But, I look at them and sometimes I think "I don't talk like that. Who talks like that?" As much as I want to be professional and talk about writing and books and everything... I want to be myself too. My favorite blogs are always the ones where I feel like I actually know the person who's writing. I want to be the same way. Even with my Flash Fiction Fridays I'm having doubts. I've really started to love writing these short stories, it's challenging me, and the characters I've been able to create are dear to my heart. My most recent story, has been one of my favorites and most personal to me so far. I'm so proud of it. But the amount of views it's had is rather sad. While I know it's not about the amount of views something has, it is discouraging. I'm not sure what to do about it. 

If we were having coffee... I'd talk about how truly awful online dating is. There are a lot of apps and websites who are working hard to improve things so people aren't getting unwanted messages as often. (OKCupid just updated their messaging system that I'm pretty happy about.) But, it still just sucks. First, you have the plain old jerks and creepers. Once you weed them out, you have the guys who have no clue how to hold a conversation. Once you weed them out, there's the ones who seem like good men... but soon you realize they're just jerks in disguise. I'm exhausted. But, I've had some fascinating conversations about all of this lately, that will probably result in some blog posts. So, at least there's that?

If we were having coffee... I'd share how my niece is already 2 months old, and still completely adorable. She's super "talkative" and always makes all of these noises like she wants to be part of the conversation. I love it! 

If we were having coffee... I'd talk about how I'm not sure what to do about church at the moment. The service I've been attending since college (regularly in college, then when I'd come visit the years I lived in Missouri, then officially joined as a member when I moved back to Chicago) closed it's doors December 31st. The "main campus" which hosted the service is still open, and my membership is there. I want to try to continue to go there because I love the congregation. But I also wonder if this is a sign for me to find another place to go. Particularly one closer to home. Yet, I do like the congregation, and I end up working on almost every Sunday morning anyway which prevents me from attending anywhere. So... maybe I need to just not worry about it. But I've never not had a "home base" for Sundays mornings before on the rare occasions I can attend. This is weird for me. 

If we were having coffee... My shallow and materialistic side would come out and I'd probably be gushing about the Pandora bracelet I got for Christmas. I'm slightly obsessed and am always paging through the catalog and website looking at charms. I know.. it's ridiculous. But I can't help it! It's just so pretty and shiny!

If we were having coffee... I'd talk about how finishing the rough draft of Vampire Snow White isn't going quite as I had hoped. I think my month-long break in December did more harm than good because now I can't get back into the swing of writing regularly. It's not like I'm not thinking about it or working on it. I am. I've done some brainstorming, world building, and had a couple break-throughs. All of this totally counts and is great! But, actual words on the page? Not so much. 

If we were having coffee, what would you order? What would you tell me about your life lately?


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